Perils of the Pokemon World!
by Yossarian
Summary: What happens when an avid pokemon fan and her poke-hating friend get zapped into the pokemon world? Insanity ensues! Rated PG for some mild language and much goofiness. Please review!
1. First Half

Author's Note: Okay, this is my first fanfiction ever. When I wrote it, I had only seen a few episodes of Pokemon, so please excuse any of the minor discrepancies (such as Ash catching Articuno. Yeah right!). And yes, it is a self-insertion, but not one of those ego-inflating, self-flattery stories. It's more of a satire. Another important thing to note is that I originally wrote this story for my friend Lauren, so there are some private jokes in it, but not enough to ruin the story (in my opinion).

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon in any way, shape, or form. Please don't sue, as I have very little money. Jess is my character and, coincidentally, she is me. Lauren is based off my friend of the same name. Please don't use them without permission.

Perils of the Pokemon World

OR

Ass Ketchum IS Satan!!

Jess slowly pulled her little green Mazda into the driveway of her friend Lauren's house. She parked the car and grabbed an unmarked videotape out of the passenger's seat, grinning evilly. One of Jess's favorite pastimes was watching bad movies or TV shows with Lauren and making fun of them. Today, Jess had brought a tape full of her favorite show, which happened to be Lauren's most hated show, thus Jess's evil grin.

She bounded up to the front door and rang the doorbell, rubbing her arms to keep herself warm in the cold winter air. She pondered the reason she was cold and had almost pinpointed it when the door opened. 

"Hey Lauren! Let me in, it's freezing out here!" Jess exclaimed, stepping in.

"Why aren't you wearing a coat?" Lauren asked, staring at her shivering friend.

"Hmm… I knew I forgot something when I left."

Lauren gave Jess a strange look but decided not to comment further. Lauren was, after all, three years younger than Jess and didn't feel like getting into an argument with someone who could run you down with her car.

Jess held up her tape. "Are you ready for a six hour marathon of Pokemon?" she asked, the evil grin returning.

Lauren made a pained sound. "Why do you insist on torturing me like this?!"

Jess just laughed and proceeded to the basement where the TV was. Lauren followed reluctantly.

"So where's your aunt and Jason and that other kid?" Jess asked conversationally as she put the tape in the VCR and started to rewind it. Lauren's aunt was visiting for Christmas (and the less commercialized holiday of Kwanzaa) and was watching Lauren and her brother while her parents worked.

"She took my brother and my _cousin _to some little kid attraction downtown."

"Good riddance," Jess muttered. It wasn't that she hated Lauren's brother and cousin; she hated _all _little children. She hadn't always despised children. It all started when… well, back to the matter at hand. Jess finished rewinding the tape and turned the TV on. The sound of some sort of nature program came up, but no picture.

"Oh, you stupid TV! Work dammit!" Jess snarled, then rounded on Lauren. "Why does your TV never work?"

"You have to turn the VCR off before you turn on the TV! I told you that before," Lauren returned. "Now you have to wait for a while and try again." 

"You should just buy a new one," Jess said. Soon, a conversation that had been heard many times in this basement started again. Jess trying to talk Lauren into getting a new TV, and Lauren repeating that they didn't have enough money to just go out and buy another one. The nature program narrator continued his discussion on the importance of the South African fruit fly to the balance of nature.

Just when the argument started to escalate, the picture on the TV suddenly appeared and the verbal battle was forgotten.

"All right! Start the tape, Lauren!" Jess said, and grabbed herself a good location on the couch.

Lauren and Jess watched, making sarcastic remarks and laughing at them. Lauren mostly focused her anger on the main character of the show, Ash Ketchum (whom Lauren had nicknamed "Ass Ketchum"), a ten-year-old boy out on a pokemon quest. The plot of the show was that Ash and his friends, Brock (or Chock, again according to Lauren) and Misty (or Lil' Whore, which had no basis whatsoever in Jess's opinion), were trying to catch cute little pokemon, then make them fight each other. Lauren especially hated that aspect of the show: she would get really angry and the right side of her face would freeze up. 

Jess loved to watch Lauren fume at the show. But things got even more fun when the so-called "villains" showed up. Team Rocket members, Jessie and James and their pokemon Meowth, would show up and say their rhyming motto. It was now tradition for Lauren and Jess to recite it along with them. Then Team Rocket would do something stupid and get shot into the air, yelling, "Team Rocket's blasting off again!" Ash would once again be the hero of the show.

"I wish Jessie and James would do something right for once and steal Ash's Pikachu. That would make this so much more interesting," Jess commented.

"_I_ wish Jessie and James would kill Ass!" Lauren said, causing Jess to double over with laughter.

But, six hours later, the Pokemon marathon was over (which was too soon for Jess and not soon enough for Lauren). Jess popped her tape out of the VCR and walked to the front door with Lauren.

"I guess I have to go now," Jess said sadly.

"I don't want the fun to end!" Lauren said in a half-joking manner. 

Jess said goodbye and opened the door. She was immediately hit with a blast of cold air that almost knocked her back into the wall. 

"Yow! It's cold out here!" She looked out into the street and realized it was snowing. There must have been a foot of snow out there! Okay, well maybe just a few inches, but Jess had a tendency to exaggerate. Anyway, there was no way she could drive through that.

"I guess I have to stay here," Jess said, more enthusiastically than she should have. "I'll go call my parents and tell them the snow's too deep to drive."

Lauren cheered and went downstairs again. Jess followed after calling home. 

"So, what should we do now?" Lauren asked, then immediately regretted it. She knew exactly what Jess would say.

"Let's watch the tape again!" Jess exclaimed, already shoving the tape back in the VCR.

"You're so obsessive-compulsive," Lauren said scornfully.

"I am, but at least I can admit it. There! We're good to go."

"I'm going upstairs to get something to eat. You want something?"

"Nah, but hurry back down!" Jess responded without even turning around. Lauren retreated upstairs and Jess turned the TV on. The screen was black, but she could hear the Pokemon theme song coming out of the TV. Jess said some rather nasty words and started to fiddle with the wires protruding from the back of the box. Nothing worked. She quickly became fed up with the malfunctioning television and did what any TV repairperson might do in this situation—she hit the TV. It shook slightly from the impact and the screen immediately showed static.

Jess smiled. "There. I showed you, feeble idiot box!" She had just reverted to her habit of talking to inanimate objects and was still mocking the TV when Lauren returned with two pieces of toast sprinkled with confectioner's sugar. 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

Jess whipped around, looking sheepish. "I, uh, I fixed the TV. See? It works now."

"So why were you talking to it?"

"I have my reasons!" Jess exclaimed indignantly. Just then, the abused television started to spark and fizzle. Both girls looked at it.

"What did you do?!" Lauren shouted just before beams of light shot out of the TV and engulfed them. The light grew to bright to see, then it was gone. Lauren's basement was now silent. Both girls had disappeared.

****

"Lauren? Hey, Lauren! Get up!"

Lauren felt someone kick her roughly in the side. "Ow! That hurt!"

"Get up. Something really weird just happened with your ghetto TV."

Lauren sat up slowly, feeling slightly dizzy. She opened her eyes and noticed they were outside. Now this wouldn't normally be cause for alarm, but it was fairly obvious they weren't anywhere near Lauren's house. First of all, there was no snow. In fact it appeared to be spring here. Second, they were in the middle of a forest.

"What happened?" Lauren asked, standing up.

"I told you, your ghetto TV blew up and sent us to the other side of the globe."

"Wait. How do you know that?"

"Simple. It's winter in the northern hemisphere, and the seasons are always reversed over the equator. Maybe we're in Australia. That would be cool. I mean, I've always wanted to go to Australia, but I suppose getting home might be a little complicated. I can just imagine what my parents will say when I tell them I need airfare to come home from Australia…"

"You know," Lauren interrupted, " that might be a good explanation except, IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!" 

"Sooo… what are you saying exactly?" Jess asked earnestly.

"I think your brain got fried when my TV exploded," Lauren muttered. She raised her hand and prepared to knock some sense back into her friend when they heard voices coming from deeper in the forest. It sounded like several people having an argument, then a voice shouted something that sounded like "Go Charmander."

"Did you hear what I just heard?" Jess asked and wandered over in the direction of the voices. Lauren followed, trying to convince herself that she had heard "Go help the charred man there."

They both peeked through the bushes and saw something neither could believe. A small boy, maybe about ten years old, was shouting orders to a large, orange lizard with a flame on its tail. Behind the boy, another boy, who looked a little older, and a girl stood shouting encouragement. The older boy had brown, oddly spiked hair and was wearing a green vest, orange shirt, and brown pants, and the girl had a side ponytail and was wearing hot pants with red suspenders (an odd combination) and a yellow shirt. The boy with the lizard (which was actually obeying his commands) had on a red baseball cap, dark blue jacket with a black shirt underneath and was wearing jeans.

The two spectators turned their heads to look at the trio's adversaries. A boy with strange purple hair and a girl with blindingly red hair (that was, by the way, defying all laws of physics by sticking straight back from her head and curling slightly at the end) were also shouting instructions to two creatures: a really ugly meteor-type-thing with two heads and a fairly normal-by-comparison purple cobra. They were older than the others, maybe fifteen years old. They both wore white uniforms with black boots and gloves. The girl wore a skirt (which was a little higher than Jess or Lauren would have liked) and thigh-high boots. The boy just had pants and a shirt. Both shirts, though, had a large, red "R" emblazoned upon it. 

"Um…" Jess started. Lauren was completely speechless. "I think we're in Pokemon World, or whatever you call this place."

Lauren started to make strange, inhuman noises. Jess was a little worried that she might have a nervous breakdown, or end up like her unfortunate television.

"Uh, Lauren? Are you okay?" Jess asked.

"This isn't possible! How could we be in Pokemon World?" 

"Well, in the movie _Pleasantville, _those kids got zapped into a TV show, too."

"You never saw that movie!"

"True, but that's beside the point."

"Moreover, that was just a movie! This is real!"

"Is it?" Jess said cryptically, but her grin pretty much ruined the effect. 

Their conversation was interrupted by the boy in the hat commanding the lizard to use its "flame thrower attack." The creature opened its mouth and shot a huge ball of flame at the two in uniforms and sent them flying through the air. The last audible thing they said sounded like "Team Rocket is blasting off again."

"Yeah! We beat them! C'mon you guys. We've got to find a way out of this forest," the boy said.

"I bet they're lost again," Jess said. "Hey, let's go talk to them, Lauren."

"No, let's not," Lauren said stubbornly. "Let's just try and figure out how to get home."

"Fine. Hmmm… Nope, can't think of anything. Now can we go?"

"Hey! You didn't even try!"

"Didn't I, Lauren? Didn't I?" With that, Jess started after the boy and his friends. Lauren sighed and followed. After all, she couldn't think of any way to escape this place either.

"Hey, you! Wait for us!" Jess called to the retreating forms. All three turned around.

"Who are you?" asked the boy in the hat.

"My name is Jess and this is my friend, Lauren. We're, uh, beginning pokemon trainers."

"What?!!" Lauren exclaimed. Jess elbowed her hard in the ribs. "I mean, of course we are."

"Oh. Well, I'm Ash, and these are my friends Brock and Misty," he said, gesturing to his two friends. Misty smiled politely, but Brock's face turned red and he ran up to shake Jess's hand.

"My name's Brock, but you can call me Studmuffin!" Jess looked disgusted.

"Ugh. I think we'll just keep it at Brock," she said and wrenched her hand away from the overly flirtatious boy. She had forgotten how Brock came on to every girl he met in the show.

Ash continued on with his conversation as if nothing strange had happened. "So what kind of pokemon do you have?"

Neither Lauren nor Jess responded. They didn't have any pokemon at all.

"We… can't… show… you… them…_now,_" Jess said slowly, "because… they're, uh, sleeping! Yeah, that's it. We just had a battle and now our pokemon are resting."

"Yes," Lauren agreed, getting in on the act, "they fought long and hard and now they have to rest."

"Rest? I didn't know pokemon had to rest like that after a battle," Ash said with a confused look on his face.

"Yeah? That's because there's a lot you don't know about pokemon training Ass— I mean, Ash!" Lauren snapped, correcting the boy's name when Jess stomped on her foot.

"So, I take it you guys are lost in this forest?" Jess asked.

"Hey, how did you know?" Ash replied.

"Just a guess. So where are you heading?"

"To Fuchsia City to get a Soul Badge."

"What a coincidence! So are we! We could travel together," Jess said with a grin. Lauren looked like she was in pain.

All five of the pokemon trainers (well, technically, Jess and Lauren weren't, but Ash and his friends didn't know that) headed off in a random direction in hopes that they would reach Fuchsia City. Night soon fell and they built a campfire and prepared to sleep. Lauren sat quietly at the edge of the fire and fumed about spending so much time with her arch nemesis. Jess, meanwhile, attempted to fend off Brock's advances. Soon, all of them became tired and fell asleep. Then a voice whispered in the night.

"Lauren? Hey, Lauren! Get up!"

Lauren felt someone kick her roughly in the side. "Ow! That hurt!"

"Get up."

"Didn't we already do this?" Lauren said groggily.

"We have to go find some pokemon! Our story won't hold up if we don't have any."

Lauren rolled over. "Do it yourself. It was your idea, after all. You could've said we were just travelers, but nooo! You had to be a pokemon trainer!"

Jess snorted, but didn't say anything. Surprisingly, she just left Lauren alone and walked off into the woods. Lauren promptly fell back to sleep.

****

The sun rose the next morning (which is always a good thing) and woke four of the five travelers. Guess which one was still asleep.

"Lauren? Hey, Lauren! Get up!"

Lauren felt someone kick her roughly in the side. "Ow! Dammit! How many times do we have to do this?"

"This is really important! Look what I got!" Jess said excitedly. She tossed a pokeball down to Lauren, which smacked her in the face.

"Ouch!" exclaimed Lauren. "What's this?"

"Your pokemon. Here, I got you two others," Jess said, and was kind enough to hand them to Lauren.

"Huh? Jess, where did you get these pokeballs? And how were you able to catch pokemon without fighting them first?"

"Actually, it's a very interesting story. You see, I had walked a little ways into the woods and—"

"Are you guys ready to go?" Ash asked, interrupting their conversation once again. Lauren opened her mouth to say something nasty about Ash's conversational skills, but Jess stopped her.

"Yeah, we're ready," Jess said with a smile plastered on her face. She also didn't care for Ash's constant interruptions. She really wanted to tell Lauren about her little misadventure.

Ash started to lead the way, but headed in a different direction than yesterday. In fact, it seemed to Jess and Lauren they were actually going back the way they came.

"Um, Ash? I think you're going the wrong way. Shouldn't we be heading that way?" Jess asked, jerking her thumb back over her shoulder.

"No. I've got a feeling that _this_ is the right way," he responded proudly.

"But that's the way we were going yesterday!" Lauren argued, pointing in the same direction as Jess. "You're just back-tracking now!" Then she turned to Jess and whispered, "I bet this is why they get lost so much!"

"Hey Ash! I think they're right. We _were_ going that way and we should probably keep going in one direction," Misty chimed in.

"But… Brock, what do you think?"

"I'd follow Jess anywhere!" he said dreamily, making goo-goo eyes at the latest object of his affection.

"Geez. I hope we get to a town soon so he can fawn over Nurse Joy or Officer Jenny. Anyone but me!" Jess muttered to Lauren.

"Well, come on, Ash! We better reach Fuchsia City soon! I need a shower!" Misty complained. They all started heading in the right direction.

"Lil' Whore needs more than a shower. She needs to get a good fashion tip!" Lauren said to Jess, causing her to start laughing. Lauren put her hands in her pockets and felt the pokeballs Jess had given her and she remembered she didn't know what they were. She asked Jess about them quietly, so Ash and his friends wouldn't hear.

"So how did you get these pokemon?"

"Oh, there will be time for explanations later. I got you a Ninetails, an Ekans, and a Blastoise. I thought you'd like them," Jess said with her trademark grin.

"That's all well and good, except I don't know what a Blastoise is."

"A Blastoise is the evolved form of Squirtle, which I knew you liked."

"But I don't want an evolved form of Squirtle, I want a regular Squirtle. He's cute."

"So you'd rather have a little weenie pokemon than a big, powerful one?" Jess asked somewhat disdainfully.

"Yeah."

"Too bad. It's too late now." Lauren looked sad, but it quickly passed. "Oh," Jess reached into her back pocket and handed Lauren a slightly wrinkled piece of paper, "here's a list of your pokemon's special attacks."

"Thanks. And what did you get yourself?" Lauren asked absently, looking at her pokeballs and trying to figure out which was which.

"I got a Charizard, the evolved form of Charmander, an Aerodactyl, and a Dragonite. They're all basically dragonlike creatures."

"You have such a one-track mind," Lauren admonished. 

Up ahead, Ash called out, "Hey look! It's an Articuno!" Everyone looked and saw an azure bird with long tail feathers pecking at the ground.

"Wow. It's beautiful," Jess commented.

"Not as beautiful as you!" Brock said loudly, suddenly appearing at Jess's side. Her lip curled slightly and she put her hand over his face and pushed him away.

"I wish _I_ had an Articuno," Ash said wistfully. He continued to stare at the bird.

"So why don't you catch it?" Lauren demanded.

"Wha—What?" Ash stuttered, coming out of his trance.

"Just throw your little pokeball and grab it! It's not that hard!" Lauren said sarcastically.

"I can't just catch it. I have to battle with it first!" Ash countered.

Lauren became exasperated. "So battle it already!"

Ash paused for a moment with a confused expression on his face. Then, it dawned on him. He _could_ battle it! He grabbed the bill of his hat and turned it backwards (which, by the way, has been known to lower your IQ by about 50 points) and grabbed a pokeball off the back of his belt. He then threw it towards the Articuno and shouted, "Go Charmander!"

"'Bout time he figured it out," Lauren muttered. Lauren, Jess, Brock, and Misty watched as Ash attempted to defeat the Articuno with his Charmander. Charmander could barely hold his own against the bird, let alone injure it. Brock pointed out that Articuno is an ice pokemon and is strong against fire types about halfway through the battle.

"Why didn't you tell him at the beginning? Maybe he wouldn't be killing his Charmander right now if you spoke up earlier!" Lauren said angrily to Brock. "God! Why is Ass so stupid?"

"I think it's because he turned his hat backwards. That'll do it every time," Jess stated as if it was a scientific fact. 

The Articuno made quick work of Charmander. Ash quickly called back the flame pokemon and sent Pikachu, the electric pokemon, out instead.

"Pikachu, use your Thundershock!" Ash commanded. 

"Pika!" the little rodent answered and shot two bolts of lightning out of its cheeks. Both hit the bird and caused it to fall to the ground. Ash threw his pokeball at it. The ball smacked the bird on the side (causing it more unnecessary pain, according to Lauren) and sucked it inside in a beam of red light.

"Yeah! I caught it!" cheered Ash.

"Not without damaging one of your own pokemon, Ash! You have to learn better judgement if you want to be a great pokemon trainer!" Misty said. The two started arguing again.

Lauren watched them, but didn't say anything. Jess noticed the right side of her friend's face start to freeze up. She grinned (again) and said, "He really pisses you off, huh?" It was a vast understatement.

"He doesn't _just_ piss me off, he—" Lauren started, her voice rising. Jess silenced her quickly.

"Look. We'll ditch them when we get to whatever city we're going to. Fuchsia, I think. Hey, you know how fuchsia is kind of a pink color? All the cities here are named after colors. Let's see… there's Lavender Town, Cerulean City, Vermilion City, Fuchsia City, of course…"

"Stop talking," Lauren said bluntly. Jess stopped talking and the two walked on in silence, listening to Ash and Misty yell at each other. Brock kept turning around to look at Jess, who was starting to get really annoyed with him. Eventually, Brock smashed into a tree while he was gawking at her.

"Serves him right," Jess said.

"Hey! We made it!" Ash called out suddenly. Sure enough, there, directly in front of them, was the great Fuchsia City. At least, Lauren and Jess assumed it was Fuchsia City, for they had never seen it before. But Ash, Brock, and Misty seemed to recognize the place and ran towards the city gates. Lauren and Jess followed more slowly. 

They reached the gates and were about to enter when two uniformed guards stopped them. One guard, the boy, had purple hair, and the other, the girl, had blindingly red hair that was busy defying the laws of physics. Both had slightly slanted eyes.

"Hello there, little boy," the girl started. "We're the pokemon inspectors for Fuchsia City. You must let us check your pokemon before you enter."

"Really? Why?" Ash asked.

"Because… We want to make sure you don't have any, uh, stolen pokemon, of course!" the guard explained.

"Oh, okay," Ash said and started to hand over his pokeballs. Jess sighed and grabbed his arm.

"Ash, don't those guards look a little familiar?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

Jess sighed again. "Come on, Ash! How many people do you know with that hairstyle?" she said, gesturing to the red-haired guard, who was now starting to look a little uneasy.

"Uh… hmmm… just a second," Ash stalled, scratching his head and trying desperately to remember where he had seen that hair before.

Lauren tried to calm down by taking a deep breath, but it didn't work. "Ass, you idiot, that's Team Rocket!"

Ash looked at the two guards again, then squinted and turned his head slightly. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, come on! They're just wearing guard uniforms! No masks! They didn't even dye their hair!"

The two guards glared at Lauren for seeing through their (rather meager) disguises and ripped them off, revealing Team Rocket uniforms underneath.

"So you saw through our clever ploy! Well, no matter! Prepare for trouble!" the red-haired girl started.

"And make it double!" the purple-haired boy continued. Lauren and Jess sat on the ground and patiently waited for the two so-called villains to finish their lengthy motto.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!" Lauren pulled out her pokemon attack list and studied it.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"James!" Jess yawned.

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

A small cat-like pokemon jumped down from out of nowhere and screeched, "Meowth! Dat's right!"

"Oh, it's that dumb cat," Lauren said with an angry glint in her eye.

"Hey, it _is_ Team Rocket! Well, get ready for a battle!" Ash said, pulling a pokeball off the back of his belt. Brock and Misty followed suit.

"Go Bulbasaur!"

"Go Geodude!"

"Go Starmie!"

Jessie and James pulled out their pokeballs and tossed them in Ash's general direction.

"Go Arbok!"

"Go Weezing!"

"I wonder if they ever get tired of saying that?" Jess pondered.

"I know I'm tired of _hearing_ it," Lauren complained.

As the battle ensued, Jess and Lauren watched calmly. As usual, Jessie and James lost pitifully and ended up getting knocked into the air, flying through the wild blue yonder and out of sight.

"Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off agaaaaa…" the two voices trailed off. 

"So much for Team Rocket," Misty said.

"All right! Now we can go to the Fuchsia City Gym and get a Soul Badge!" Ash said loudly. He always seemed to be shouting one thing or another.

"Well, good luck you guys. It is hear that our paths must part," Jess said dramatically.

"Yeah, goodbye and good riddance!" Lauren said hastily and dragged Jess down the street and out of sight.

"Weird trainers," Ash said.

"Yeah," agreed Misty.

****

"Aww, I didn't even get to say goodbye!"

"I said it for you! Now can we go home? This place is terrible!"

"Okay, I guess, but…" Jess paused.

"But what?" Lauren asked suspiciously.

"But I kinda, um, want to, uh, haveapokemonbattle," Jess said quickly and looked away.

"If you just said what I think you said…" Lauren started, her face taking on a caustic expression.

"What do you think I said?" Jess asked.

"That you wanted to have a pokemon battle."

"Hey, you have really good hearing!"

"JESS! How could you want to do that?! They're just cute little animals! You're as bad as Ass Ketchum!"

Jess started to agree when an idea struck her. As soon as she recovered from the blow, she stood up and told Lauren, "I'm older than you, so you can't boss me around!"

"What are you going to do, huh?" Lauren challenged.

Jess growled and pulled a pokeball out of her pocket. "I challenge you to a battle!"

Lauren was completely speechless. She shook her head to recover. "Well, I guess I walked right into that one."

"Heh heh. You certainly did. Now, choose your pokemon!" Jess crowed with the ever-present grin on her face.

A small voice in the back of Lauren's head told her just to refuse, but she found herself unable to turn away from a pokemon battle challenge. She guessed this world was starting to mess up her mind and reached into her pocket, pulling out the pokeball containing Blastoise. 

They both stepped back a few paces and tossed their pokeballs to the ground to release the monsters inside. Nothing happened. Jess and Lauren waited a while, but the red and white balls just sat there.

"Hmmm…" Jess bent down to pick her pokeball up and studied it, looking for some sort of button that might pop it open. 

Lauren picked hers up also but didn't bother trying to open it. Jess threw her ball on the ground again, but with much greater force than last time. It still refused to open. The stupid thing wouldn't even crack! She tossed it to the ground several more times without success. Then she tried stomping it with her foot. She looked at it for a moment, contemplating what to do next. She chose to jump on top of the pokeball, which turned out to be a bad idea. Now would be a good time to point out that it is very difficult to stand on something that is perfectly round. With that being said, back to the story. Jess slipped off the ball and fell backwards, landing hard on the pavement.

"Ow! My tailbone!" Lauren immediately burst out laughing. Jess stood up slowly and tried to ignore Lauren. Next, she bashed it against the wall of a building, but with the same results. Jess, not being the fastest learner, took a few steps back and hurled the pokeball through the air at the building again. It ricocheted off the wall and struck her in the face. She staggered back and lapsed into a string of swear words. Lauren found this whole act amusing and laughed harder.

"I'll get it, just hold on a second. Geez, what is this thing made of?" Jess said, trying desperately to retain some of her dignity. Eventually, she just gave up and slumped to the ground. "I don't get it. In the show, they just toss the ball out and a pokemon pops out."

"They also say 'go pokeball,' too," Lauren suggested.

Jess snapped her head up. She looked at the ball once more, shrugged, and tossed it out, mumbling, "Go pokeball."

The ball hit the ground and snapped open. A ball of red light shot out and morphed into a creature that resembled a prehistoric pterodactyl.

"Hey, cool! I guess they're voice-activated. Now, our battle can proceed… except," Jess turned to the flying reptile that was hovering in the air, "you're not the pokemon I wanted." She turned to monster and pointed the pokeball at it. "Aerodactyl, return!" A beam of red light shot out again and pulled the Aerodactyl back into the pokeball.

"Why did you throw out a pokemon you didn't want to use?" Lauren asked, attempting to sidetrack Jess from this stupid battle idea.

"It's impossible to tell these balls apart! I don't see how all the other trainers can do it," Jess answered, trying to decide which of her two remaining pokeballs had the Charizard in it.

"Maybe because this is just a retarded TV show?" Lauren said sarcastically.

Jess was mumbling something and didn't hear her. Then she selected one of the pokeballs. "Okay, I've got my guy. You ready?"

"Fine. Go pokeball," Lauren said flatly. She let the ball roll off the tips of her fingers.

"Go Charizard!" Jess commanded with a malevolent grin, tossing the ball overhand.

Both balls opened. Jess knew she had chosen the correctly when the great Charizard loomed before her. She knew eeny-meeny-miny-moe wouldn't let her down!

Lauren, however, was surprised to see Ekans, the snake, appear. She thought she had chosen Blastoise! "Wait a second, Jess…"

"Charizard, Slash attack!" The fire pokemon obeyed, bringing its claws down on the snake.

"AAAH! Ekans, do something!" Lauren cried, scanning her attack sheet for a good attack. Ekans barely managed to dodge the rending claws, then dove into the ground.

"Ah Ha Ha! Your Ekans doesn't stand a chance against the mighty Charizard!"

Lauren rolled her eyes at her friend's melodrama. Ekans sprang out of the ground and waited for a command. What it got was, "Ekans, return!" The pokemon vanished into the pokeball in Lauren's hand.

"Aww, man! You're giving up?" Jess asked forlornly.

"I don't like pitting cute little animals against each other in gruesome battles to the death!"

Jess looked bored. "Yes, I know. I am aware of your feelings towards pokemon battles. You remind me _every_ chance you get!"

"So call your big lizard back, already."

"Okay," Jess said reluctantly. She looked around for the Charizard's pokeball. It was no where to be found.

"Well?"

"I lost the pokeball!"

"What?"

"It's gone. I guess it rolled away during the battle."

"Where?"

"Okay, that's enough words starting with 'W,' don't you think?" Jess snapped. Her Charizard just looked confused. "Well, I guess he'll be okay roaming free." The pokemon smiled and nodded. "He'll be just like Pikachu, except bigger."

"And more dangerous," Lauren added.

"Look. I'll buy another pokeball when we find a store, but until then, Charizard will be a good boy, won't you?" Jess said, scratching her pokemon under the chin.

"This is lunacy," Lauren muttered.

"Hey! There's a gym here, isn't there? Want to go win a badge?" exclaimed Jess.

"No, but I bet you do."

"It'll be fun! Come on!" Jess said, and took off down the street. The Charizard followed like a faithful dog. Lauren sighed. She had a feeling they would be staying here for a _long_ time.

****

Jess, Lauren, and Charizard stepped into the Fuchsia City Gym. It appeared to be empty. 

"Hello?" Jess called.

"Who goes there?" a voice answered from the shadows.

"I'm here to earn a badge, so could I talk to the Gym Leader?"

"I am the Gym Leader," the voice said.

"That's great, but it would be a lot nicer if we could talk face to face."

A man dressed completely in black stepped into the light. "Who are you?"

"I'm Jess. And you are?" she answered, trying to be polite.

"I am called Koga," he said mysteriously. There was a lull in the conversation.

"And silence insued," Lauren said quietly.

"So, ah, do we get to battle now?" Jess asked.

"You have not challenged me yet," Koga said.

"I wasn't aware I had to challenge you officially. Isn't it enough that I just walk in here? I mean, how many pokemon trainers come in here and _don't_ challenge you?" Jess asked earnestly.

Koga seemed to consider this concept. "Well, all pokemon trainers who pass the threshold of this Gym challenge me, I suppose."

"Okay, now that we have established the obvious, let's get it on!" Jess said jokingly. Her humor turned out to be wasted on the Gym Leader.

"You still have not challenged me."

"Oh, for the love of—! I challenge you to a match for a badge. There. Is that good enough?" Jess said, exasperated. 

"I accept your challenge. We will use two pokemon each," Koga stated and strode to the other side of the shadowy gym. Jess took her place inside a white box painted on the floor just as the lights came up.

"Go Aerodactyl!" she said as she tossed her pokeball out. Aerodactyl took to the air with a screech.

Koga tossed out his pokeball and said calmly, "Go Muk." A large, purple (and smelly) blob materialized across the battlefield. 

"Gross. Oh well. Aerodactyl, Wing Attack!" Jess shouted. The pokemon dived at its opponent and beat it viciously with its wings. It suddenly shrieked and pulled away. Jess looked puzzled.

"Muk is poisonous to the touch," Koga explained, but it also sounded like he was gloating. 

"Oh yeah? Well, I can beat your pile of slime without touching it," Jess called back. "Aerodactyl, use your Supersonic Power!"

Aerodactyl flew higher and opened its maw, shrieking at the Muk. The Muk seemed to become confused and started to back towards its master.

"No, Muk! Move forward!" Koga shouted at it.

"Finish it off with Hyper Beam!" Jess ordered. The Aerodactyl's eyes glowed blue, then shot two beams at the Muk.

"MUK!" the blob said pitifully and sank down into itself.

"Woohoo! I'm winning! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!" Jess cheered herself.

"Jess! Pay attention!" Lauren said and pointed to Koga. He had recalled his Muk and had thrown out another pokeball. A heavily armored armadillo-type creature emerged.

"Swift Attack, Sandslash!"

"Uh oh. Quick, Aerodactyl, Agility now!" Jess said desperately, but it was too late. The Sandslash jumped into the air and knocked Aerodactyl to the ground, striking it swiftly with its long claws.

"Jess! You're killing your pokemon! This is cruel and unusual…"

Lauren's voice faded into the background as Jess concentrated on the match. She realized she had no choice but to call her pokemon back. She held out her pokeball (this time she was careful not to let it roll away) and shouted, "Aerodactyl, return!" The red beam caught it and pulled it out of harm's way. Jess pulled out her remaining pokeball and tossed it into the arena, informing everyone, "Dragonite, I choose you!"

"Dragonite?" Koga said. "But how can you have a Dragonite?" The question was forgotten when the Dragonite came forth from the red beam.

"It's huge!" Lauren gasped.

"I didn't know it was _that_ big!" Jess whispered. The Dragonite must have been at least thirty feet tall and took up almost the entire battlefield.

"Of course it's huge!" Koga said, responding to Lauren's comment. "It's the biggest breed of pokemon!"

"Know-it-all," Lauren grumbled.

"I'll take care of him for ya, Lauren!" Jess said, then turned back to the battle. "Dragonite, Slam it!"

"That sounds bad," Lauren said and quickly ducked down when she saw the Dragonite jump into the air.

The Dragonite landed directly on top of the Sandslash. The impact sent Jess, Lauren, Koga, and Charizard (bet you forgot about him) flying through the air and smashing into various inanimate objects.

Dragonite stood up, brushed itself off, stepped out of the crater it had created, and returned to its master's side of the arena. It looked left and right. Where was everybody?

Lauren groaned and rubbed her head. She had been knocked into the wall. She looked back and was only a little surprised to see that she had left an imprint in the wall. She also noticed everyone seemed to be missing. "Jess? Charizard? Kugo—Kago—uh, Gym Leader? She looked up at the Dragonite. It just shrugged. Then Lauren saw the Gym Leader, whatever his name was, stand up shakily on the other side of the Gym. Charizard then walked in from outside. He apparently had gotten blown through the door.

"Hey, Char, where's Jess?" Lauren asked.

"OH MY GOD!!! HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET ME DOWN!"

Everyone looked up and saw Jess dangling from a ceiling light.

"How did you get up there?" Lauren called up.

"CHARIZARD, GET ME DOWN!!!! AAAAAAHHHH!"

The flying pokemon stretched his wings and flapped up to rescue his master. She dropped down to his back and wrapped her arms around his neck. Charizard's eyes grew wide and he started to make gagging sounds. He beat his wings frantically and spiraled towards the ground.

"You're choking him, Jess!" Lauren shouted as Charizard continued to lose altitude. He finally managed to catch himself and make a not-so-graceful landing. Jess slid off his back and he immediately began gasping for air.

"Heh heh. Sorry about that, buddy. Heights make me a little nervous," Jess apologized.

"A _little_? You were about to have a heart attack!" Lauren cried.

Jess tried to look as calm as possible, despite the fact she was breathing harder than her Charizard and she was still a little shaky. "That is not the important thing right now. Koga! I think I just earned a badge." Jess turned to the Gym Trainer and noticed the gigantic crater in the arena and the Sandslash in the middle of it. "Oh, gee. I hope I didn't kill your pokemon, sir!"

Jess called Dragonite back and walked across the field. "Are you going to give me a badge, now?

Koga looked at her groggily. "Wh-Who are you?" he managed. "And who am I? I can't seem to remember… There was a crash, and then, nothing."

"Uh-oh. I think I'm going to be in trouble for this."

"Wait! I've got an idea!" Lauren said as she ran up. She stepped in front of the discombobulated Gym Leader and slapped him across the face. 

He staggered back, blinked a few times, then said, "I remember! Thank you, small child."  
"Hey! I'm not sma—"

"Can I get my badge now?" Jess repeated, cutting off Lauren.

"Of course, but tell me you will never again use your Dragonite's Slam Attack," he said warily.

"Well, I won't use it in another Gym match. How's that?" Jess grinned.

The Gym Leader sighed. "It will have to do." He handed her a small object. "Here is your Soul Badge. You have earned it."

Jess took it. It was a teardrop-shaped pin that shimmered with all the colors of the rainbow. "Thanks. Oooh. Hey, Lauren! Look at the colors!"

"Nice," Lauren said complacently. 

They turned and started to walk out of the Gym when Koga stopped them again.

"Tell me, where did you get that Dragonite?"

"Gee, I'd love to tell you, but it's a tale best left for another day. Sorry," Jess said and walked out the door.

****

"Did you see that girl's pokemon?"

"Yes. A Dragonite _and_ an Aerodactyl. If we stole those, the boss would give us a raise for sure!"

"Meowth! Let's get some disguises and trick her inta giving 'em ta us!"

"No. They recognized us last time, but I don't know how…"

"I wonder if her friend has valuable pokemon, too."

"We'll just have to take all their pokemon to find out!"

"Yes. When we give da boss all dose pokemon, I'll be da top cat again!"

"We better hurry, or they'll leave the city. Let's go!"

****

"You should try battling, Lauren. It's a real rush," Jess said, admiring her badge. Then, without warning, she leapt in front of her friend. Lauren almost fell backwards because of the sudden flurry of motion. "Ready?" Jess said excitedly. Then, without waiting for an answer, she spun around on the ball of her foot and shouted, "Mmmm… BADGE!" 

"You are a lunatic," Lauren stated. "Now, can we please just keep going?" The two walked out of the city and started heading back to the forest. They had stopped at a store to buy a new pokeball for Charizard when Lauren had a sudden flash of inspiration. Lauren thought they might be able to get home if they went back to where they first appeared in this world. 

"Still, you should try battling," Jess continued, her moment of deranged rambling having passed.

"Well, I would, except I think it's—" Lauren started.

"—Cruel and unusual punishment for cute little animals. I know. That has already been established. If I had known you'd take so much offense, I wouldn't have said it."

"I think you need a new lesson on the evils of pokemon battle. It's horrendous to make those creatures battle each other for entertainment…"

"Geez, sorry, Green Peace! I don't need a lecture!" Jess said. She opened her mouth to tell Lauren off when the sound of shouting voices interrupted. "What's that?"

Lauren made a disgusted noise. "I'll give you three guesses."

They walked towards the voices and found Ash battling another trainer with his Articuno. The other trainer was using a pokemon that looked like a bee with drills on its forearms.

"Hey, Misty, Brock! Nice to see you again," Jess said cheerfully. Lauren rolled her eyes.

"Hi! Where did you guys run off to in Fuchsia City?" Misty asked.

"We had to take our pokemon to the hospital," Jess lied.

"Hospital?" Misty raised an eyebrow.

"Uh, I mean, the Pokecenter. Yeah. We told you earlier our pokemon had just fought a tough battle, so we took them to the Pokecenter," Jess replied, trying to look as sincere as possible. Misty seemed to accept this answer and turned back to the battle, which was nearly over. Amazingly, Ash was winning. Ash's Articuno dove at the bee and knocked it to the ground. Its owner called it back and went to shake hands with his challenger.

"Good match. Your Articuno is really strong," he said.

"Yeah, I just caught it this morning," said Ash.

"I hope I can train my Beedrill to be strong enough to defeat one someday. I would love an Articuno."

"Really? Well, you could take mine. I'm sure you could train it just as well as I could," Ash said and handed his pokeball to the other trainer.

Jess saw Lauren's face seize up and tried to hold her friend back. She was too slow and Lauren stomped up to Ash.

"What do you think you're DOING?" she demanded.

Ash blinked. "I'm giving my Articuno away."

"Ash! That's why you never have any pokemon! You just give them away! What's the point of catching them if you're just going to give them away?"

As Lauren continued her angry tirade, Jess watched the other pokemon trainer sneak away. _Lucky. I wish_ I _could slip out of here, too_. 

"I can do whatever I want with my pokemon!" Ash said to Lauren.

"But you're doing _stupid_ stuff with them!" Lauren returned.

"This is worse than when Misty and Ash fight," Brock said.

"Definitely," Jess agreed. "I guess I should stop this." With that, Jess walked up to Lauren and tapped her lightly on the shoulder.

"WHAT?" Lauren snarled.

"Come on, Lauren dear, it's time to take your medication," Jess said in a patronizing tone.

"But… I'm not… I don't need…EERRR!" Lauren almost seemed to go into conniptions. She turned back to Ash. "This isn't over yet, Ass!"

"Oh, yes it is," insisted Jess. Then she spoke to Ash. "She's got Turret's Syndrome. I'm sure you understand. She'll be fine, really."

"Turret's Syndrome?" he questioned.

"Yes, Turret's," Jess said to Ash. She hadn't realized until now that he didn't even come up to her shoulder. 

"There's no such thing as Turret's Syndrome!" Ash exclaimed.

Jess glared down at him, using her height to intimidate him. "Are you calling me a liar?"

"No! I, uh…"

"Prepare for trouble!"

"And make it double!"

All five people turned. There stood two members of the infamous Team Rocket.

"Not them again!" Jess moaned.

"To protect the world from devastation!" 

"To unite all peoples within our nation!" Jess and Lauren started to mumble the lines along with them out of force of habit.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"James!" 

"Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

"Meowth, dat's right!"

Ash, Misty, and Brock were staring at Jess and Lauren instead of Jessie and James.

"What?" Jess asked, getting defensive.

"You're members of Team Rocket?" Ash asked, protectively putting his hand over his pokeballs.

"No! Not the girl of my dreams!" Brock cried, heartbroken (at least for the moment).

"Where the hell did you get that idea?!" Lauren snapped at Ash.

"But you were saying the Team Rocket motto!" Misty pointed out.

"Huh? Oh, that was just 'cause we've heard it so much," Jess explained. "We're not with them."

Team Rocket, forgotten for the moment, got tired of waiting for their dramatic posing to be noticed and started the attack.

"Arbok!"

"Weezing!"

The cobra and the two-headed meteor (well, what would you call it?) charged the unsuspecting trainers.

"Look out!" Misty shouted. Ash and Brock sent their pokemon into the fray.

"Pikachu, I choose you!"

"Go Onix!"

Pikachu and the giant rock snake took up defensive positions in front of the small group.

"Weezing, make a smokescreen!" James ordered. The hideous pokemon obliged, covering the area with a thick fog. Everyone started coughing.

"Pidgeotto, blow this smoke away!" Ash's voice ordered. There was a flash of red light and a bird appeared, flapping its wings to blow the smoke away. It revealed a very strange scene to Ash and his friends: Lauren and Jess wrapped in Arbok's coils!

"We have what we want, little boy!" Jessie mocked. 

"Today, we're not after your Pikachu," James added.

"Uh, little help here, Ash?" Jess asked, trying to free herself from her captor.

"Onix, Tackle Attack!" Brock shouted.

"NO! Not a Tackle—" Lauren cried, but it was too late. The rock snake slammed into the purple snake, taking the two girls with it. Arbok dropped them and Onix reared back, knocking Weezing out of the sky with its horn. The last thing Lauren saw was a large meteor with two heads come crashing down on them.

****

"Lauren? Hey, Lauren! Get up!"

Lauren felt someone kick her roughly in the side. "Ow! That hurt!"

"Get up."

"You know, that wasn't funny the first time. It's not gonna be funny the third time."

"Actually, this is the fourth time."

"You've kept count?! You psycho!" Lauren snapped. She sat up and quickly forgot about the pain in her side. "Ooooh, I've got a big headache."

"Advil?" Jess offered, pulling a small bottle out of her pocket.

Lauren gave Jess a strange look. "You just carry that around with you?"

"Well, I started getting headaches a lot and Advil was the only thing that worked. It's got to be the greatest over-the-counter medicine ever invented! Let me tell you—"

"I'm not in the mood for a sales hype," Lauren said, taking the bottle from her. "So where are we?" She looked around and noticed they were in some sort of prison cell.

Jess put her hand over her eyes. "We've been captured by Team Rocket. How humiliating."

Lauren looked astonished. "But how? They never do anything right!"

"Apparently they did this time. I wonder what they want with us. I don't think they'll torture us, do you? This is a kids' show, after all."

"This _is_ embarrassing," Lauren agreed, trying to swallow the Advil dry. She couldn't quite choke it down.

"Hmmm… I wasn't even aware Team Rocket had a dungeon," Jess mused.

"Jess, I need some water to swallow these with."

"Huh? Oh, okay, just a second." She walked to the bars at the front of the cell. "Hey, James! We need some more water in here!"

Lauren was shocked to see James, the purple-haired boy from Team Rocket, actually walk over with a paper cup full of water.

"Thanks, James!" Jess said cheerfully. James just gave her a dark look.

"Why…" Lauren started.

Jess shrugged. "I have no idea. They've been really nice to us since we got here… Well, except for locking us up, that is. This is so cool!"

"Actually, I was going to ask why you're always so chipper."

"Oh. Just lucky, I guess. Heh heh." Jess grinned. Lauren rolled her eyes. She thought about their unfortunate imprisonment, and an idea came to her.

"Why don't we use our pokemon to escape?"

"Oh, so now it's okay to use them? What happened to Green Peace?" Jess replied sarcastically.

"We're not using them to kill each other, we're just using them as a means of escape. That's okay," Lauren explained, reaching into her pockets.

"You can be a real hypocrite sometimes, you know? Anyway, we can't use our pokemon 'cause they took 'em."

"Hey!" Lauren, who had only been half-listening to Jess, realized her pokeballs were gone. "Well, if they took all our pokemon, why are we still here?"

"That I cannot answer," Jess said. "Maybe you should ask James."

"I don't want to talk to him! You ask him."

"You want to know, you ask." Jess walked to the back of the cell and sat against the wall.

Lauren tried talking Jess into asking James for several more minutes, but she refused every time. Jess could be extremely stubborn when she wanted to be (or when it would most annoy Lauren). She finally gave up and walked to the bars of the cell. James was sitting in a chair holding a mirror, busy admiring his hair.

"Uh, excuse me," Lauren said.

"What?" James snapped, angered at having his hair-admiring session interrupted.

"Why are you holding us prisoner? You have our pokemon, so why not let us go?"

"I already explained it to her," James pointed to Jess, who looked like she was trying hard not to laugh. "Ask her instead."

Lauren turned around and leveled Jess with a vicious stare. Jess promptly burst out laughing.

"Ha Ha! Got ya!" she said gleefully, falling over sideways.

"You said you didn't know! You lied!"

"I never said that. I just said I couldn't tell you. Ha Ha! I made you talk to James! I made you talk to James!" she chanted.

"Sometimes you can be so immature," Lauren said icily. "So _now_ will you tell me why we're still here?"

Jess mulled it over. "I think not."

"Come on! I really want to know! Don't make me hurt you."

Jess stood up and faced Lauren. "Go ahead and try it," she challenged.

Lauren stood there a moment longer, then backed down. "Fine. Will you _please_ tell me why we're still here?"

"Hmm, I suppose," Jess said. "We're still here because they can't open our pokeballs, so the pokemon inside are pretty much useless."

"They can't open them? So the pokeballs will only open for us? How's that work?"

"No, yes, and it's a long story. You see, when I went to find some pokemon that night, I found—"

"Meowth! Get dem outta dere!" an obnoxious voice interrupted.

"Oh, will I ever get to finish my story?" Jess mourned. Jessie walked up and unlocked the cell. She was followed closely by James and Meowth, the pokemon leader of the group.

"Silence, prisoners!" the pokemon said imperiously. 

"Why should we do anything you say?" Lauren demanded. "You're the ones who need us, not vice versa!"

"Don't talk back ta Meowth!" he yowled back. 

Jess chose this instant to intercede. "You know, I really don't think you want to push Lauren any farther. She's had a rough day."

"It's not my fault I'm going crazy here! YOU are the one who got us into this! AAAAHH! I'm going to kill someone right NOW!!!" Jess swatted Lauren on the back of the head. She relaxed a little. "Thanks. I needed that."

"Hey, look on the bright side: at least Ash isn't here," Jess said optimistically.

"Good point."

"Wait," Jessie interjected. "We thought you were friends with that pest."

"Oh, of course not! We're just kind of on speaking terms with him, or, at least I am," Jess said, glancing at Lauren. "But enough about that. Can we have our pokemon back?"

Team Rocket looked at Jess like she had just asked if they could fly to the moon in a cardboard space ship. "Of course you can't!" Jessie exclaimed.

"Yeah, we stole them from you. We can't just give them back!" James chimed in.

"But you can't use them. You can't even open the pokeballs," Jess pointed out. Giving them back seemed to be the most logical course of action to her. But, then again, there didn't seem to be enough logic to go around in this world.

"We can't open dem, but you can! dat's why we let youse out!" Meowth explained.

"And what if we refuse?" Lauren asked with a sneer. This question seemed to stump Team Rocket. Apparently, didn't think Jess and Lauren would say no to their demands.

Meowth desperately tried to recover the situation. "Youse have ta do it, or else we'll never let youse go!"

"But, you already did," Jess said. More puzzled expressions from Team Rocket.

"Well, you'll never get your pokemon back!" Jessie said triumphantly.

"Fine," Lauren said.

"But, you were going to give them to us anyway. Y'know, to open them?" Jess explained when she drew more blank stares from their erstwhile foes. "And don't you think if you give the pokeballs back to us, we'll just use our pokemon against you? I bet you didn't even think of that!"

"Boy, you guys are thick!" Lauren declared.

"Hey!" objected James.

"How dare you talk that way to the illustrious Team Rocket!" Jessie said shrilly. They shoved Jess and Lauren back into the cell, locked the door, and stomped off.

"Well that certainly could've gone better," Jess muttered.

"Now we're stuck in here again! This is all your fault!"

"Hey, I was just being logical!"

"Oh, go be logical somewhere else!"

"I would, but the door's locked." They both scowled at each other, but didn't say anything. There was silence for almost five whole minutes.

"I bet they'll let us go by tomorrow," Jess said.

"How do you know?" Lauren asked skeptically.

"Because they'll figure out they can't get our pokemon and let us go. Besides, they have to go attack Ash and Pikachu on a daily basis."

"I guess so."

"Trust me," Jess said with a grin. Somehow, whenever those two words came out of Jess's mouth, Lauren always felt even more nervous.

****

"Oh, the boss is gonna _kill_ us if we don't get those pokemon! We already promised them to him!"

"James! Calm down!"

"How can I calm down?! The boss is going to call back any minute! We're done for!"

SMACK!

"There. Now will you relax?"

Silence.

"Meowth think ya knocked him out."

"Good. That should keep him quiet. Now, what are we going to tell the boss?"

"Let's tell him dey escaped!"

"No! That would be even worse." Pause. "I guess we'll have to tell him the truth. They tricked us with riddles and tried to get their pokemon back and escape. We just had to lock them up again."

"Dat's not the truth!"

"Who cares? It's close enough."

Just then, the phone rang. Meowth pushed a button and a well-dressed figure whose face was completely obscured by shadow appeared in the monitor.

"Well? Where are the rare pokemon you captured?" the figure demanded in a strange, robotic voice.

"Dat's da problem boss," Meowth said. "We couldn't open da pokeballs beca—"

"WHAT?!! YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM?! IDIOTS!!"

"But, boss, it's because dey only open for deir owners for some reason," Meowth explained timidly.

"So, make them open the pokeballs!"

"We tried, but they started playing mind games with us and almost escaped!" Jessie said.

The man in the monitor paused. "They sound like worthy adversaries. I would like to talk to them."

"Uh, are you sure, boss?"

"OF COURSE I'M SURE!!! BRING THEM HERE IMMEDIATELY!!!"

"Right away!" Jessie said hastily and took off towards the cell. Meowth was left alone with the shadowy figure.

"Meowth," he started.

"Yes, boss?"

"What happened to James?"

****

"Okay," Jess said. She took a deep breath, preparing for the challenge Lauren had put against her. "Are you ready?"

"Go ahead. You'll never get it," Lauren gloated.

"I wouldn't be so sure. Brace yourself." Jess took another breath and started her assault. "Iamamotherpheasantplucker. Ipluckmotherpheasants. Iamthemostpleasantmotherpheasantplucker,who everpluckedamotherpheasant! Whew! Say that three times fast without messing up!"

Lauren sighed. "I can't. I know I'll say, er, the word I'm not supposed to say."

"Yea! I am the Lord and Master of Tongue Twisters!"

"Let's play a different game," Lauren suggested. "One that doesn't involve speaking quickly."

"Okay. Here's one: My husband's name is Al, and we live in Arizona, and he's an anthropologist. Now you do 'B'."

"Got it. Hmmm… My husband's name is Buford—"

"Buford?" Jess snickered.

"God! It's just a game. Anyway, we live in Boston, and he's a barber."

"Okay, 'C' for me. Let's see… Hey! That all rhymed!"

"Get up, you two!"

Lauren and Jess turned to see Jessie unlocking their cell.

"Are we getting out for good behavior?" Jess joked.

"The boss wants to talk to you," Jessie said and led them down the hall.

"Psst, Jess, let's make a break for it!" Lauren whispered.

"No. I've got an even better plan," Jess replied.

"Better than escaping?" Lauren had the same sinking feeling she'd had when Jess told her to trust her. She knew that Jess was going to do something really senseless. All that was left to do now was to start counting the seconds.

They walked down a long hall in silence until they reached their destination: the communications room. Jessie was attempting to get them in front of the monitor when Jess tripped over James's prone body.

"Ack! You killed James!" she exclaimed. No one responded. "Hey! James is dead! Deceased! Defunct! Departed!"

"That was a good alliteration, but no one cares about James," Lauren said.

"Would you like me to keep going?" Jess asked.

"WHO ARE YOU?" a voice boomed. Lauren and Jess noticed the man in the monitor for the first time. Jess stepped forward with a mischievous grin. Lauren groaned inwardly.

"I am Jessica from the world of Reality! And this is my trusty sidekick, Lauren!" she declared boldly. Jessie and Meowth gave her a strange look. The person on the monitor did not seem at all amused.

"My subordinates tell me you have valuable pokemon," the man said.

"Yes, and we'd like them back," Lauren said.

"Could you step into the light? It's difficult to talk to someone you can't make eye contact with," Jess said.

The man growled and Jess immediately shut up. "How do you open your pokeballs?"

"Oh, they're voice-activated. We found that out the hard way," Lauren explained with a sidelong glance at Jess, who frowned at the reminder.

"Open them," ordered the man. Jessie started to hand a pokeball to each girl. 

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Jess said.

"Shut up! Da boss told youse ta open dem, so do it!" Meowth directed.

Jess sighed. "Okay, but you'll be sorry. Go pokeball." The ball bounced once on the ground and opened, releasing Charizard. "Grab Meowth, Charizard."

The dragon-like pokemon obeyed, lifting the irksome feline into the air by his tail.

"FOOLS! I DIDN'T MEAN GIVE THEIR POKEMON BACK!!!" the man shouted, now quite agitated.

"Meowth! Don't hurt me! Help!" the cat yowled. Jessie, wisely, stayed out of the fray.

"Incinerate him!" Lauren urged.

Jess regarded the scene before her, watching the shadowy man out of the corner of her eye. He looked so peeved, Jess half-hoped he didn't have an aneurysm or something. Then she did something that surprised everyone: she called her pokemon back. Meowth tumbled to the floor, face-first.

"We could have gotten out of here, Jess! What are you doing?" Lauren hissed.

"It's all part of the plan," Jess replied calmly. "Watch." 

The man in the monitor said nothing at first. Then, after a brief interlude, he asked, "Why did you recall your Charizard?"

"My associate and I wish to join Team Rocket," Jess said. There was a crash. Jess turned around and saw that Lauren had fainted. 

The noise woke James, who sat up and looked around. "Did I miss something?"

To be continued…


	2. Second Half

"Lauren? Hey Lauren! Get up!"

"I swear, if you kick me one more time, I'm going to run you through with a spoon!"

Jess lowered her foot back to the ground. "Boy, you sure have gotten violent since we got here."

"That's 'cause I hate this place!" Lauren declared. "On a different note, I just had the most terrible dream. You signed us up for Team Rocket…" Lauren's voice trailed off when she saw Jess's expression. "Oh my God. You didn't!"

"I did! As of today, we're Rocketeers!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! Why are you doing this to me?!"

"Doing what?"

"You're killing me slowly and painfully!"

"Oh, I am not!" Jess opposed.

"I'm dying! I'm dying!"

"You wouldn't be if you would just loosen up a little. Enjoy our time here. Have fun. This is going to be so cool!"

"How? How could this be cool at all?"

"We get to go after Ash! That's a plus, isn't it?" Jess said, forever the optimist.

"I guess so," Lauren agreed grudgingly.

"But first, we have to get some basic training."

"That shouldn't be too bad," Lauren said, feeling a little better. Then she noticed Jess was avoiding her gaze. "Wait. What aren't you telling me?"

"Well…" Jess began to say, but burst out laughing instead. Lauren had that sinking feeling again as Jess collapsed once more in a fit of laughter. She gasped for air as tears streamed down her cheeks and managed to choke out, "You… have to be…"

"What? What?!"

"Ja—Ja—Bwahahaha!"

"Tell me!"

"I'm—I'm trying!" Jess said, finally calming herself down. She took a deep breath. "You have to be… JAMES'S APPRENTICE!!!" 

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Lauren screamed, falling to her knees. "God! Kill me now! I beg you!"

"I think you'd look good with purple hair!" Jess mocked. "And you've perfected his speech pattern." 

"I'm going to KILL you!" Lauren snarled and charged at her friend. Jess put out her hand and held Lauren back.

"For once, I wasn't the one who arranged this unfortunate turn of events," Jess stated. "You'll have to yell at the Monitor Man."

"Could this get any more hellish?" Lauren moaned.

"I'm sure they'll think of something," Jess remarked. "Come on. We have to get our uniforms."

"No! I refuse to wear one of those uniforms. They're stupid."

"Now you're just being stubborn."

"Do you suppose there's a _reason_?"

Jess grinned at her friend's sarcasm and led the way to a different room. Jessie and James were waiting for them.

"So glad you could make it!" Jessie said cheerfully. "Is Lauren okay?"

"Yeah. How about James?" Jess asked.

"He's as normal as he'll ever get," Jessie said with less enthusiasm.

"Hey!"

"Here are your uniforms! Wear them with pride!" she continued, handing Jess and Lauren two outfits identical to hers. Lauren's eyes nearly popped out of her skull at the length (or lack thereof) of the skirt. Jess had almost the same reaction.

"It just got more hellish," Lauren groaned.

"I am NOT wearing this," Jess stated.

"But you have to! It's the dress code!" Jessie argued.

"All the female members of Team Rocket have to wear this? I find that a little hard to believe," Jess said.

"Why?"

"Oh, please, Jessie. Wearing the same outfit as another girl is one of the biggest fashion faux pas you can commit!" Jess responded. She was trying to get out of wearing the miniature dress by appealing to Jessie's fashion-conscious side. 

Lauren caught on quickly. "Yeah. I mean, you look the best in the outfit so you should be the only one in it. We could get some other version of the Team Rocket uniform."

Jessie considered this. "You're right! It would make us look like we didn't know anything about fashion! James, could you imagine Team Rocket without our fashion awareness?" 

James shook his head. "That would be terrible!" 

"Quick! Find some alternate uniforms!" James ran out of the room just as Meowth entered.

"What's taking so long?" he asked impatiently.

"Oh, we almost had a fashion emergency, but it's been prevented thanks to the quick thinking of our newest member, Jess!" explained Jessie.

"What! We gotta schedule ta keep! We have ta try and steal dat Pikachu at four!"

"I didn't know they actually scheduled those attacks," Jess whispered to Lauren.

"Beauty before duty, Meowth," Jessie retorted. "Besides, we've still got plenty of time."

"I found some more!" James said triumphantly, running back in with several white uniforms.

"Good! You two find something to wear. We have to go pinpoint that Pikachu's location." Team Rocket strode out, leaving Jess and Lauren with a pile of clothing. Jess began sorting through them, but Lauren hung back.

"Here Lauren," Jess said, tossing her a long-sleeved shirt and pants.

"You know, I really don't want—"

"I don't _care_," Jess said before Lauren could finish, also pulling a shirt and pants out of the pile for herself. "Just change."

Lauren sighed forlornly and went to don her new uniform.

***

"There it is!" James said, pointing to a flashing dot on the map.

"Better get da hot-air balloon ready," said Meowth. 

"Hello in there!" a voice called. All three turned and saw the new recruits standing in the doorway. The younger one was wearing a uniform similar to James's (much to her chagrin), except her sleeves came past the end of her gloves. The older girl was wearing a long T-shirt with gloves coming past her elbows, like Jessie's. Her pants were a little too long and bunched up at the ankle. The design was reminiscent of the clothing she had been wearing before.

"We're ready for our training," Lauren said, less ecstatic than her friend. 

"No time for dat now! We have ta go after dat Pikachu!" Meowth said. Lauren immediately brightened.

"Yes! I don't have to be James's apprentice!" she said to herself. This was her first break since she got here!

Jess looked at the map and noted the blinking dot (there was also a "you are here" arrow pointing at a lighthouse). "So that's how they always catch up with Ash after they get blown away."

"Come on, you two. The hot-air balloon is waiting," Jessie said. They all dashed outside.

"A hot-air balloon ride could be fun," Lauren remarked.

"Yeah! I can't wait!" said Jess. "It's going to be cool!"

****

"Oh God! This is _not_ cool! I wanna get off!" Jess exclaimed, standing as close to the middle of the rickety basket as she could. "This thing's gonna break any moment! And look how high we are!" The basket swung precariously from the bottom of a balloon shaped like Meowth's head.

"Well, usually, this basket just holds me, Jessie, and Meowth, but it should be okay," James said confidently.

"What's wrong with her?" Jessie asked Lauren.

"She hates heights. You should've seen what happened at—"

"That's enough of that, Lauren!" Jess snapped.

"You know," Lauren said, an evil smile spreading across her face, "if it does break, it'll rip open in the middle."

"OH GOD!" Jess screamed, and lunged for the side. She made the mistake of looking over the edge and saw the ground far below. "AAAH! Wh-Why couldn't we just have driven a car?!"

"We can't drive! We're only fifteen!" Jessie and James said together.

"I'm SEVENTEEN!! You could have asked me!" Jess reached into her pocket and pulled out her wallet. She opened it and pulled out a small, laminated card: her driver's license. "See?!"

"Hey, we _could_ have driven!" Jessie exclaimed. "Finally, no more flying around in this stupid balloon. Honestly, what kind of bad guy travels around in a hot-air balloon?"

"Hey! Dis is da best means of travel!" Meowth said.

"You only like it because your face is on it!" James retorted. The three original Team Rocket members lapsed into another argument. When Jessie and James seemed about to win the controversy, Meowth raked his claws down their faces.

"Ow!"

"Oooh!"

"Stop complaining and keep watch for dat Pikachu!"

Part of Jess's mind (the more conniving part) made a mental note on how Jessie and James seemed to despise Meowth. The rest of her mind was completely paralyzed from fear. She prayed someone would find Pikachu quickly.

"Hey! I think I see them!" Lauren said, pointing over the edge. Then, she smirked. "Jess, why don't you look down there and check?"

"Lauren," Jess said through gritted teeth, "if you keep this up, I'm going to rip your heart out and nail it to the wall."

"Whoa, Jess is a little over the edge," Lauren mocked, but kept her distance anyway.

"Dere dey are! Quick, let's descend!" Meowth said. Jessie pulled a string on the hot-air balloon, releasing some of the hot air and lowering the balloon until it reached the ground. They landed next to a small dirt road. Jess leapt out first.

"Ah, wonderful, sweet, _low_ ground!"

"Shh! We have ta surprise dem!" Meowth chided.

Jess glared at the cat pokemon, but didn't say anything.

"We'll dig a hole ta trap dem in," the cat directed.

"But you've tried that before," Jess pointed out. "The first time, you fell in it 'cause you couldn't remember where it was and the second time everyone fell in and that Primeape attacked you."

"How did ya know dat?" Meowth asked.

"Because I watch this sho—I mean, I just do, okay?"

"Too late to worry about that now! Look, here they come!" Jessie said, pointing down the road. Sure enough, Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu were headed straight for them. They ducked into a ditch beside the road. Just as Ash reached the ditch, Team Rocket jumped out.

"Prepare for trouble!"

"And make it double!"

"Shouldn't that be quadruple? There are four of us now," Jess stated.

"Shhh!" Lauren cut her off. Jess shrugged and started reciting the Team Rocket motto along with Jessie.

"To protect the world from devastation!"

"To unite all peoples within our nation!" James and Lauren said simultaneously, although Lauren was much less enthusiastic. 

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"Jess!"

"James!"

"Lauren."

"Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!"

"Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

"Meowth, dat's right!"

Ash actually looked surprised that Team Rocket was attacking him again.

"Hey! Who are you?" Misty asked Jess and Lauren.

"You don't recognize us?" Lauren replied skeptically.

"Of course not. We're wearing different clothes," Jess attempted to clarify. "It's just like when Jessie and James wear those pitiful disguises."

"Hey! Whose side are ya on?" Meowth said indignantly.

"Well, it's true!"

"It's time for a battle!" Ash broke in suddenly.

Jess sneered at Ash for his constant interruptions. "Don't you ever shut up?"

"Meowth! Get 'em!" the feline pokemon cried.

"Arbok!"

"Weezing!"

"Go Aerodactyl!"

"Go Ninetails."

A snake, an ugly two-headed rock, a pterosaur, and a nine-tailed fox appeared on the villains' side.

"Oh yeah?" Ash challenged. "Squirtle, Charmander, Bulbasaur, I choose you!" Three cute (and weak) pokemon stood opposite them. Brock tossed out his pokeball and Onix joined the fight.

"Why don't you just give up your Pikachu now and save yourself the fight, boy?" Jessie jeered.

"You don't stand a chance against _our_ pokemon!" Jess said, thoroughly enjoying herself.

"We've defeated you before, and we can do it again!"

"You've defeated them," Jess said, indicating Jessie and James, "but not us! Aerodactyl, Wing Attack!" The pokemon dived, and knocked Squirtle back ten feet with its wing.

"Squirtle!" Ash cried, picking up his pokemon. "Are you okay?"

"Squirtle, squirt," it answered.

"Err! Charmander, Flame Thrower Attack!" The small lizard opened its mouth and blew a column of fire at its rivals.

"Arbok, go underground!"

"Weezing, dodge!"

"Aerodactyl, use your Agility!"

The three pokemon avoided the flame. Ninetails waited patiently for Lauren's command.

"Lauren!" Jess said. "Start fighting!"

"But this is cru—"

"Now is not the time!"

"Oh, fine. Ninetails, Tail Whip, uh, Bulbasaur! Yeah. I always hated that guy the most."

Ninetails jumped up and swatted Bulbasaur with every single one of its nine tails. The pokemon was knocked out of the battle.

"Quick! Grab dat Pikachu!" Meowth demanded.

"But the battle's not over!" Jessie argued.

"Who cares? Let's just get what we came for and get outta here!"

"Fine," Jessie said angrily. "Lauren, go get Pikachu!"

Lauren shrugged. It was better than fighting, she supposed. Although it had been fun beating up that jerky Bulbasaur. 

She started towards Ash and Pikachu when he yelled, "Pikachu, Thundershock!" Lauren had just enough time to jump out of the way. Pikachu shot two bolts of lighting out of its cheeks and at the remainder of Team Rocket, including Jess. She looked up in time to see the bolts heading their way. She calmly sidestepped and the bolts hit Jessie, James, and Meowth. As soon as the electricity wore off, they fell over, all their hair standing straight up.

"From what I understand, electric shocks can kill brain cells," Jess said.

"Shut up," Meowth managed to retort. This only served to make Jess angry.

"Don't tell me to shut up, you little—"

"Onix, ram them!" Brock shouted.

"Oh no, not again!" Lauren said, but there was nothing that could stop the oncoming doom. The gigantic pokemon collided with them, sending Team Rocket and their pokemon soaring into the sky.

"Looks like Team Rocket's blasting off again!" came echoing back as they flew farther and farther away until they were just a twinkle in the sky.

"Yeah! We beat them!" Ash cheered.

"But I can't help thinking those two new members of Team Rocket looked familiar," Brock said.

"Really? They didn't look like anyone I know."

****

"_Jurassic Park_ was a great movie, what with being the first movie to use a substantial amount of computer generated characters, but you know what was really cool about it? It introduced a new kind of dinosaur to the public. Now 'velociraptor' is just as common a dinosaur as, say, tyrannosaurus. Fascinating, isn't it?"

"Jess, that was an absolutely useless piece of trivia," Lauren said.

"But that's the best kind!"

Lauren rolled her eyes.

Jess switched subjects rapidly. "So, about when do you guys normally land?" she asked the original members of Team Rocket. 

"It depends how hard we get hit. I'd say we've only got a little more time left before we come crashing to the ground," James responded. They had been sailing through the air for a little over a half an hour. At first, Jess had almost had another, uh, problem, shall we say, about how high they were off the ground, but eventually that got old and she relaxed. Jessie and James kept themselves busy fixing their hair after their encounter with Pikachu. Lauren just watched the scenery fly by below them and half-listened to Jess's incessant flow of useless trivia. All four had recalled their pokemon.

"So, you've never hit a low-flying aircraft or anything like that?" Jess asked.

"No, amazingly. With our luck, you'd think we'd hit one every time."

"Hey, why are you guys called Team Rocket? As far as I know, you've never used a rocket or anything that could be mistaken for a rocket."

"Oh, but our motto sounds so much better when we say 'blast off at the speed of light.' We couldn't say that if we weren't Team Rocket."

"And we couldn't say 'Team Rocket is blasting off again' every time we lose, either," Jessie pointed out.

"I bet you get tired of saying that all the time," Jess commented.

"Yeah, we do seem to say that more often than we should," Jessie agreed.

A smile spread across Jess's face. "What would you give to win once in a while?"

"Anything!" 

"I bet I could get that Pikachu!"

Lauren looked up at that. "Why do you want that Pikachu, anyway?"

"Because," Meowth started, "dat Pikachu's powers exceed its evolutionary level. It must be da strongest Pikachu in da world, making it extremely rare, and Team Rocket only steals rare pokemon!"

"Geez, I didn't want a lecture!" Lauren said. "But why don't go after other rare pokemon. Pikachu seems a little hard to get."

Jessie and James looked enlightened.

"Yeah, Meowth," Jessie said, "why don't we try to get some other rare pokemon? Imagine all the ones we've missed because we were just going after Pikachu?" 

"I said we have ta get dat Pikachu, and we won't rest until we've got it!" Meowth said indignantly.

"Well that's stupid," Jess muttered, then said louder, "I think we should go after some rare pokemon, like, on the other side of the globe. That way, Ash and his entourage won't interfere."

"I'm da top cat, so you have ta do what I say!" Meowth proclaimed.

"Just be glad I can't get over to you, you little furball!" Jess threatened.

"Uh, I hate to stop this conflict prematurely, but the ground is rushing up awfully fast," Lauren said. Sure enough, the arc of their flight was bringing them back to the ground.

"Oh, damn," Jess swore. She reached into her pockets and pulled out her pokeballs. "Aerodactyl, Charizard, Dragonite, help us out here!" The three winged pokemon materialized in midair. Aerodactyl grabbed Lauren by the shoulders, Charizard caught Jess (but didn't let her ride on his back again. He remembered last time), and Dragonite seized Jessie and James. No one tried to catch Meowth, which may (or may not, heh heh) have been an accident. They all landed softly on the ground (except for Meowth, who plowed into the ground, leaving a trench several feet long). 

"Ah, it's nice to land safely for once," Jessie said.

"Speak for yerself," Meowth muttered, pulling himself out of the ground. "Anyway, quit dawdling and start getting ready ta catch dat Pikachu again!"

"Actually, you've never caught it before, so you can't catch it again," Jess stated.

"Shut up!" Meowth snarled and slashed at Jess's face with his claws. She managed to dodge just in time.

"That's IT! I've had it with you!" Jess snapped. "You come up with all these dumb schemes to catch Pikachu, which never work! Remember Salon Roque? That would have worked until you ruined everything! You could be going after much rarer, more valuable pokemon! I am officially relieving you of your duties, you feline failure!"

"What?! Ya can't do dat! I'm da top cat!"

"Not anymore," Jess said coldly. "I'm taking over this group."

"Not while I'm around!"

"Then goodbye, Meowth. Lauren, would you do the honors?"

Lauren grinned maliciously. "Certainly." She picked up Meowth roughly by the tail and ripped the gold medallion off his head. It came off easily and they all saw the only thing holding it to his head was a piece of tape. Then, she dropkicked him out of the story. 

"That felt sooo good!" Lauren said. 

"So that's how he kept that medallion on his head," Jess contemplated to herself. Then, she smiled and turned to the other members of Team Rocket. "You guys have a problem with me leading?"

"Of course not!" they both answered quickly.

"Good. Now, first things first. We will no longer be riding around in that ghetto hot-air balloon. From now on we drive." Jessie and James looked happy. "And we will no longer go out of our way to catch Ash's Pikachu. We're gonna go after other rare pokemon, got that?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

Jess smiled evilly. "Starting right now, we will no longer be the push-over Team Rocket— We will be the undefeated Team Rocket! BWAHAHAHAHA!" The entire Team joined in with Jess's maniacal laughter. Then, when they ended _that_ cliched villainous pastime, they started their trek to the nearest town to buy a vehicle of transportation.

****

"I hope we get a tank," Jess said to Lauren as they approached the unfamiliar town.

"Oh come on! You can't drive a tank!"

"Yes I can. You know, it's perfectly legal for an average citizen, such as myself, to drive one—"

"No. I mean, you don't have the ability to operate a tank," Lauren clarified.

"I'm sure I could figure it out. I _really_ hope we get a tank!"

"That's a little farfetched for even _this_ story," Lauren said to herself.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing."

Jess gave Lauren a look, but decided not to pursue the discussion. She turned to Jessie instead. "Do you know what city this is?"

"Hmm…Looks like Burnt Sienna City," she said, squinting at the city in the distance. "It'll probably be nightfall by the time we get there."

"Burnt Sienna City? I think they've taken naming these cities after colors a little to far," Jess said to Lauren.

"Yeah. Too bad it'll be night by the time we get there. We won't be able to buy a car."

"Buy a car? Are you kidding? We're gonna steal one!" Jess said gleefully.

"What?! You can't be serious!" 

"Hey, we're the magnificent Team Rocket now! They steal everything! Remember when they stole that vacuum and hose in Cerulean City? It was the episode where—"

"You're completely deranged!" Lauren said loud enough for Jessie and James to hear.

Jess grinned at her friend's distress then asked the other two, "Doesn't Team Rocket always steal what they need?" 

"Of course," James said. "We're here to make money, not spend it."

"See?" Jess said smugly. "Besides, we don't have enough money to buy a car, anyway."

"But what if we get caught?" asked Lauren. Jess realized it was a genuine concern and thought about it for a while.

"Okay, I've got it. First of all, Team Rocket seems to be able to steal stuff without getting caught, and now that Meowth's gone, that raises our chance for success. Secondly, we don't really exist in this world, so they can't arrest us because we aren't citizens."

"Well…" Lauren began. Something about that reasoning seemed backwards.

"Oh! And if we get a tank, we can just run over anyone who stands in our way!"

"Jess, you're evil."

"Just evil, or evil genius?"

"Evil genius, I guess."

"Yes!" Jess cried joyfully.

"I'm glad you're so happy about it," Lauren said. 

They continued on toward Burnt Sienna City and, sure enough, reached it after dark. They walked quietly through the town looking for a car (or a tank) they could steal. Lauren was the first one to find a car she liked.

"Jess! Let's get this one!" she said, pointing to a car parked outside a small, shadowy building. Jess walked over and looked at the car. Her eyes widened and she stepped back.

"That's a hearse! I'm not going to drive one of those!" Jess exclaimed. She also noticed the building behind the car was a funeral home.

"Shh, Jess. You're screaming loud enough to wake the dead!" Lauren said with a grin.

"_Not_ funny," she answered flatly. "Why do you always have to be so morbid?"

"I am not! Besides, this is better than a tank!"

"Never insult the tank! I swear, I'm going to—"

"Hey! We found a car!"

Jess and Lauren looked around and saw Jessie and James standing next to the perfect car.

"A hummer! Cool! That's almost as good as a tank!" Jess said.

"And the keys are in it, too!" Jessie said.

"I think we have found our transportation," Jess said with a grin. She couldn't wait to try it out.

***

The next day, Jess got her chance to try out the humvee. She drove through the city, only going twenty miles over the speed limit.

"This is great! Hey, you guys, where are we going to get some pokemon?" Jess asked. "Why don't we try some of those places you tried before?"

"Yeah," Lauren agreed, "Now that that stupid cat's gone, we should be able to pull it off." Lauren hated to admit it, but she was actually enjoying herself. So far not one cop had stopped them, not even Officer Jenny. Maybe no one reported the car missing.

"Where would we go?" James asked, disturbing Lauren's musings.

"Oh, you know, Stone Town, or we could try that pokemon cruise thing like on the St. Anne."

"The St. Anne?! We can't do that again! We nearly died when the ship capsized!" James objected.

"And then we had to work with that little twerp and his Pikachu," Jessie added.

"Fine. We'll just go to Stone Town first and decide what else to do after that. Hey! Outta my way, pedestrians!" Jess shouted, nearly running over some people crossing the street. 

"Do you even know _how_ to get to Stone Town?" Lauren asked, grabbing the dashboard as Jess careened around a corner. "And could you drive a little slower?"

"We've got to hurry! Quick, you guys," she said, turning to look at Jessie and James, "how do you get to Stone Town?"

"It's north of here, I think," Jessie said. Then her eyes widened.

"What?" asked Jess.

"AAAHH! Watch the road, Jess!" Lauren screamed. Jess turned around and saw she had drifted across the double yellow line and into oncoming traffic. A huge semi was heading straight for them.

"Whoa!" She yanked the wheel hard to the right and got the car back into the correct lane. "Sorry, everybody. I'm not usually such a bad driver. I'm just in a hurry now."

"What's the rush?" Lauren asked. 

"Huh? Oh, I just, uh… Well, it's because, um… Hmm, I guess I don't really have a reason."

"So will you slow down?"

"Okay," Jess obliged grudgingly. They drove the rest of the way to Stone Town at a pitiful fifty miles per hour. 

****

Stone Town proved almost too easy to rob. The new and improved Team Rocket sped away with a multitude of stolen pokemon and evolution stones. They were so sure of their triumph they decided to stop and eat in the nearby Periwinkle Town.

"Periwinkle Town? I think they've taken naming these cities after colors a little to far," Lauren announced as they entered a busy restaurant.

"Hey! I said that in Burnt Sienna City! You're stealing my lines!" Jess exclaimed.

"I am not!"

"Don't argue with the leader of Team Rocket!"

"Shh! Don't say that so loud," Jessie warned. "We _are_ wanted criminals."

Jess looked at her. "No one is going to arrest us. I don't think we've even been noticed. I mean, we've got a stolen car towing a cartload of stolen pokemon parked outside that no police official has stopped to inspect, and we have big, red 'R's on our shirts, for crying out loud! Obviously, the law is very oblivious in this neck of the woods." 

Lauren looked around the restaurant. She saw Jessie staring dreamily at a young, handsome, but rather shady-looking character seated in the corner. In fact, all the occupants looked a little shady. She noticed several of the patrons were wearing outfits reminiscent of the _Godfather_ movies. Some were even carrying violin cases and speaking Italian. Suddenly, a few looked out the front window, and calmly left their seats and exited through a back door.

"Uh, Jess?"

"Where's the waiter? I'm starving!" Jess looked around. There were no employees as far as her eyes could see. In fact, there did not seem to be any signs of life in the vicinity. "We should've gone to a better restaurant."

"This place sure emptied out quickly," Lauren said. "I bet there's a reason. Maybe we should leave, too."

"I'm not leaving 'til I get something to eat!" Jess said angrily.

"Yeah!" James agreed. Both stood up and stormed into the restaurant's kitchen.

"Jess and her bottomless stomach," Lauren sighed.

"Same thing with James," Jessie said. They both waited for the other two to return with at least an appetizer, but there was no such luck. Jess came out of the kitchen empty-handed followed closely by James. They both stood, arms crossed over their chests.

"The entire staff is gone!" James declared.

"Nothing's been cooked, either. It's like they all just vanished," said Jess, then, more to herself, "If we had a tank, I'd demolish this place."

It was then that they heard the sirens. A police motorcycle pulled up outside. A woman with blue hair in a police uniform was riding it.

"It's Officer Jenny! She's found us!" Jessie whispered harshly.

"How could she find us here at the, uh…" Jess paused, looking at the front of a menu, "Mario's Mafia Café?! Oh man, why did we come here?"

"Because _someone_ had to have pizza," Lauren said accusingly.

"Don't pin this one on me! James wanted some Italian, too!"

"It's not my fault! Jessie wanted to gawk at some guy she saw through the window!"

Jessie turned red. "I did not!"

Before anyone was pinned with the egregious error, Officer Jenny walked in. 

"What's going on in here?" she demanded.

"Nothing, officer," Jess said timidly, trying to hide the big, red 'R' on her shirt, as were the others.

"Whose car is parked out there?"

"It's, uh—"

"Because it's lights are on! I wouldn't want that person to run their battery down!" she said brightly.

All four members of Team Rocket breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'll be sure to inform the owner. Don't worry about it, Officer," Jess said.

"Okay! Have a good day, now!" With that, Officer Jenny strode out the door and rode off on her motorcycle, siren still blaring.

"See? I told you the cops here were dense!" Jess said. "Now, let's go see if we can find some food to go. We have to report to that guy soon." They walked out of Mario's Mafia Café and jumped into their hummer once more, searching for a fast food restaurant.

"You know," Lauren said as they drove off, "that was the most stereotypical restaurant I've ever been in."

****

They pulled up to the lighthouse, unloaded their ill-gotten pokemon, and dragged them inside. Then they went to the communications room and waited for the call. Jess quickly became bored and looked around for something to do. When she determined that the room was barren except for the communications console, she looked at her teammates. Now would be a good time to ask that question that had been bothering her ever since she started watching the show. She turned to Jessie and James.

"Hey, do you guys know who Jesse James was?"

They both looked puzzled by the question. Jessie answered, "Why, we're Jessie and James, of course."

"No, that's not what I meant. I meant, have you guys ever heard of the outlaw first name Jesse, last name James?" Her question just drew blank stares. "You know, the Jesse James who fought under General Quantrill in the Civil War? The Jesse James who became a famous outlaw and robbed a bunch of banks? The Jesse James who—" she dropped the subject when the television screen suddenly came to life. A shadowy figure appeared in the monitor.

"Well? How badly did you fail this time?"

"So you're just assuming that we failed?" Jess asked, incredulous. "You know, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me."

"HOW DARE YOU TALK BACK TO ME, YOU PITIFUL TRAINEE!!! WHERE'S MEOWTH?" the man shouted, as he so often did.

"Meowth's on… extended vacation," Jess said smugly. "And I'm not a trainee anymore. I'm the leader of this little band now."

"WHAT?!"

Lauren stepped forward, preventing Jess from dragging this out any more than necessary. "We got a whole truckload full of pokemon for you."

Jess looked irritated, but managed to check her argumentative nature (at least for the time being). "Yeah. We got them from Stone Town. They never saw what hit them. You see, we drove in there and--"

"You drove?" the man asked.

"Yes," Jess said, becoming annoyed with the man again. "Why does no one seem to believe I can drive? I swear, the next person—nevermind. Anyway, we _drove_ into Stone Town and they were having some sort of evolution pokemon tournament and James had Weezing make a smokescreen and we put them all in our hummer and now here they are! So, where do you want we should leave them?"

The man in the monitor might have been surprised, but it was hard to tell without seeing his face. He asked, "You mean you actually got these nitwits to do something right?"

Jess glanced back at Jessie and James, who looked like they were used to being called nitwits. Then she turned back and said, "It wasn't their fault all those other things got screwed up. It was mainly Meowth's fault. He came up with all the stupid plans."

"But now he's gone, so you don't have to worry about it anymore," Lauren added with a grin.

For a while, their boss said nothing. Then, "You have done well."

"Hey, than—"

"But I want you to catch that Pikachu now."

Jess's jaw dropped. "Wha—Why? We were doing so well by avoiding Ash Ketchum and his friends! I'm sure the other pokemon we catch are worth more than that little rodent."

"DO AS I SAY WITHOUT QUESTION!"

"Just do it, Jess," Lauren pleaded as Jess started to make a nasty response. She started to object, but gave in instead.

"Fine, even if this is stupid," Jess muttered.

"Excellent," the man said with a smile. "And remember to drive safely." The monitor shut off.

"Uh-oh," Lauren said quietly. If there was one thing that could set Jess off, it was being told to drive safely.

"'Drive safely'?" Jess said softly. She tried to calm down, but failed. "DRIVE SAFELY?! I ALWAYS DRIVE SAFELY!! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I CAN'T?!" She turned to the now dark screen and shouted a string of profanity.

"God, Jess! Relax!" Lauren said.

"RELAX?! How can I relax when that stupid—" she cut herself off. "Just forget it! I refuse to hunt down some dumb electrical rat!"

"Uh, Jess?" Lauren questioned, not used to hearing such outbursts from her friend (even if someone told her to drive safely). "Are you okay?"

"Of course not!" she seethed. "I'm getting sick and tired of all the stupid people here!…Uh, present company excluded." Jess paused as an idea came to the more conniving part of her brain. She calmed down, an evil smile spreading across her face. "On second thought, let's do go after Pikachu. I know exactly what we're gonna do with it."

"You mean give it to the boss, right?" James asked.

"Oh no, my dear James, I've got something much better in mind!" She grinned and laughed maniacally. 

***

Jess was still laughing as they tore down the road in pursuit of Ash and his Pikachu. Lauren found this slightly disturbing.

"Jess, don't you think you've become a little, uh, eccentric since we came here?" she asked.

She snorted. "Eccentric is what you would call the weird old lady next door who never leaves her house and wears Marsh bags tied around her ankles. I am not eccentric."

"Then what are you?"

"One hundred percent, certifiably INSANE!!!" she cackled. "Hold on!" Jess pushed down on the accelerator and hit a large bump in the road. Everyone flew out of their seats and James almost fell out the back of the car. "Wheeeeee!" 

"You're going to get us all killed before we even find that Pikachu!" Jessie snapped.

"If you talk back to me one more time, maybe I'll just get _you_ killed," Jess said coldly. The other girl clapped her hands over her mouth. Seeing Jess's present state, it didn't seem like such an empty threat.

Lauren quickly changed the subject. "So, what are we going to do with Pikachu if we're not giving it to that guy?"

Jess smiled. "I guess I should tell you guys my brilliant plan now. Even you two," she looked back at Jessie and James, "should like this. It's going to get us a lot of money!"

The other two members of Team Rocket perked up.

"We're gonna grab Pikachu, and, instead of giving it to that JERK, we're gonna hold it for ransom. If he wants it, he'll have to pay!"

"But we'll get fired for betraying the boss!" James exclaimed, and remembered too late Jess's slightly warped state of mind.

She stomped on the brakes, causing everyone to lurch forward. She turned around in her seat to look at him, a dangerous glint in her eye. "Listen, James," she said quietly, which seemed even worse than when she was yelling, "if we hold Pikachu ransom for enough money, it won't matter if you get fired—We'll be able to buy a new life. Hey, we could even buy your boss's life. Now," her tone became condescending, "let us all remember that Jess is having a bit of a nervous breakdown and she is easily upset. We wouldn't want anyone to end up with tire tracks down their back, got it?" 

James nodded slightly, terrified.

"Good," Jess said, and stepped on the gas again. This time, she started driving a little more carefully. "Geez, Lauren, I'm having a really rough day. I need a relaxant."

"Why don't you take some of your Advil?" 

"It's a painkiller, not Prozac," she said.

Lauren was silent for a while, then asked, "If we hold Pikachu for ransom and get the money, what are we going to do with it?"

"I dunno. Buy a house or something."

"Are you planning on staying here?!"

Jess smiled. "It's pretty cool here, but I think I might miss my family after a while, even my sister. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but some day. I guess the feelings of two people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world…"

"What?!"

Jess blinked, as if coming out of a trance. "Oh, sorry. I was thinking of something else. Anyway, I would miss Mom and Dad and Kate sometime, so I'm gonna go home—but with a ton of money!"

Lauren didn't say anything. 

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to respond?"

"What do you want me to say? Good for you, you're conning some guy out of his money then leaving the planet…dimension…wherever we are?"

"Well, any response would be nice at this point—Hey, is that someone up ahead?" Jess asked, leaning forward.

Lauren squinted. "It looks like a couple of people. I thinks it's Ass, Chock, and Lil' Whore!"

The crazy glint in Jess's eye returned. "Maybe this will help relieve some stress!" she said, flooring the gas pedal. "Everyone get ready for a battle, or a hit-and-run!"

Up ahead, Ash glanced over his shoulder to see where that noise that sounded like a car engine was coming from. Much to his surprise, it was coming from a _car, _and even more surprising, Team Rocket was driving it.

"I thought they only rode around in that balloon," he stated.

"We've got more important things to worry about, Ash!" Misty exclaimed. "RUN!" She took off down the road, closely followed by Brock and Pikachu. Ash stood in the middle of the road looking confused. Team Rocket in a car instead of a balloon? This threw off his whole perspective of the world.

"Prepare to meet your maker, Ash Ketchum!" Jess cried from the hummer. 

"Take him out, Jess!" encouraged Lauren.

It slowly dawned on Ash that the people in the car weren't going to stop and he also ran down the road. No matter how fast he ran, though, the car kept getting closer.

"One of you guys had better do something to slow down Brock, Misty, and Pikachu!" Jess said to her passengers.

"I'll do it!" James proclaimed. He suddenly whipped out an enormous bazooka from nowhere.

"Where did he get that?" Lauren asked, but no one answered. James stood up in the back of the hummer and fired the weapon. A large net shot out, missing Ash, but catching the three ahead of him. The next shot pinned Ash to the ground. The hummer screeched to a halt in front of him. 

"Why didn't you just run over Ass?" Lauren asked, a little disappointed.

"I may be evil, but I still have _some_ morals," Jess said indignantly, stepping out of the car. She put her foot down right in front of Ash's face. "Well, well, well. Looks like we meet again, Ash." The other three members jumped out of the car and each struck a dramatic pose.

Jessie started the motto, "Prepare for trouble…"

"Skip it," Jess said bluntly. She looked down at Ash, who was struggling to get out of the net. "We've come for your Pikachu. Hand it over and we can avoid another pointless fight."

"Never!" Ash shouted defiantly.

Lauren sighed. "Nothing's ever easy, is it?"

Jess smiled. "I guess it's time for a battle. Boy, I haven't had a good fight in a while."

"Uh, couldn't we just grab Pikachu and leave?" James asked. "I mean, they are all trapped now." Jess snapped her head around, her eyes blazing. She raised her hand to smack him. James put his hands up to shield himself, but the blow never fell. Jess slowly lowered her hand.

"Oh, alright. Let's just take it and leave," she said. 

"NO! Pikachu!" Ash shouted. He strained against the ropes of the net until they ripped off the ground. "You can't take it!" He grabbed all his pokeballs off his belt and hurled them at Team Rocket. "Pikachu, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle, Pidgeotto, I choose all of you!"

Team Rocket turned around and watched as the four pokemon materialized. The distraction gave Ash's companions time to escape. Brock and Misty pulled out their entire pokemon collections, also.

"Go Geodude, Onix, and Vulpix!" A rock with arms, a snake made of rock, and a fox with six tails appeared.

"Go Starmie and Staryu!" Two star-shaped water pokemon joined the fight, along with an unbidden duck pokemon holding its head. "No! Not you, Psyduck!"

Eleven pokemon and three trainers stood facing the four members of Team Rocket.

"Oh good. I was hoping you'd try something stupid like that," Jess grinned malevolently. 

"But their pokemon outnumber ours!" James said nervously.

"Think about it, James," Jess said, pulling out her pokeballs and indicating the others should follow suit. "All their pokemon are unevolved--well, except for that purple star thing without a face. But anyway, all ours are evolved, except for Lauren's Ekans. There's no way they could beat us."

"You're right!" James realized. "Wow. You are such a better leader than Meowth. He never would have figured that out!"

"There'll be time for flattery later," Jess said quickly as the opposing pokemon started to advance. She heaved her pokeballs onto the field, yelling, "Go Charizard, Aerodactyl, and Dragonite!"

Lauren was next. "Go Ekans, Ninetails, and Blastoise!"

Jessie and James, with a newfound confidence in their pokemon's abilities, threw theirs out, too.

"Go Arbok!"

"Go Weezing!" 

Eleven small pokemon now faced off against eight large (and in Dragonite's case, _huge_) pokemon.

"A pokemon battle royal! Still want to fight, Ash?" Jess jeered.

"You bet! Charmander, Flame Thrower Attack!" 

The little orange lizard opened its mouth. "Charman—DAR!" it screeched as it spewed a raging fireball in Team Rocket's general direction.

"Blastoise, Water Gun!" Lauren shouted. Blastoise, happy to finally be in a battle, shot two streams of liquid from the water cannons on its back. The fire pokemon couldn't stand up to the torrential flood and ran, holding its burning tail in front of it.

"Way to take the initiative, Lauren," Jess congratulated her friend. "You actually joined in a pokemon battle voluntarily."

"Yeah, well, it was either that or get toasted. I just hope I didn't hurt the little guy. He's so cute!"

"Don't worry. That cowardly pokemon just ran away."

"Hey! Don't call my pokemon cowardly!" Ash shouted.

"Fine," Jess grinned. "He's not cowardly—he's craven."

"That's better! Now, Pikachu, Thundershock!" Ash commanded, completely missing Jess's repeated insult. 

"Pika—CHU!" the pokemon cried, shooting lightning at the Blastoise.

"Blastoise, Withdraw!" Lauren called. It obeyed, pulling itself back into its shell. The lightning hit, but with no effect.

"My turn!" Jess said. "Aerodactyl, Wing Attack on Geodude!" The Aerodactyl flew behind Brock's pokemon and smashed it with its wing. Geodude flew through the air and landed on Jess's foot. "Ow! Stupid rock!" she snarled and kicked it. It didn't move, but Jess did. "OW! My toe!" She grabbed her injured toe and started hopping up and down on her other foot.

Jessie and James stepped forward and said simultaneously, "Now it's time to see what the original Team Rocket can do!"

"Arbok, Poison Sting Attack on Bulbasaur!"

"Weezing, Sludge Attack on Vulpix!"

The purple snake spit several nasty darts at the grass pokemon and the meteor-type creature hocked some sort of unmentionable substance into the Vulpix's eyes. Both victims were incapacitated. 

Onix, Bind Arbok!" Brock shouted. His pokemon lashed out its tail and caught Arbok. Onix began tightening its hold, slowly crushing Jessie's pokemon.

"Arbok!" she cried.

James came to her rescue. "Weezing, Tackle Attack!" His pokemon slammed into Onix's head, causing it to drop Arbok. Onix fell to the ground, unconscious.

"James! You saved Arbok!" Jessie cried happily, hugging James.

"Starmie, Staryu, Water Gun Attack on Arbok and Weezing!" Misty said, taking advantage of the original Team Rocket's distraction.

"Dragonite, Block those shots!" Jess cried frantically. Dragonite stepped in front of the two streams of water, stopping them with its tremendous bulk. 

"Pay attention, you two!" Lauren said to Jessie and James angrily. They blinked a few times, then remembered the battle.

"Dragonite, Thunderwave! Send those two ugly stars outta the ball park!" Jess commanded, completely oblivious to her teammates. The Dragonite raised its foot and brought it back down with a crash. A shockwave ran through the ground, catapulting Starme and Staryu (and Misty, for that matter) backwards. Jess smiled. "We shut 'em down!"

Lauren, meanwhile, was pitting her Ninetails against Ash's Squirtle.

"Ha! Water pokemon have the advantage over fire pokemon!" Ash gloated.

Lauren shrugged and said, "Makes sense. Ninetails, use your Ember Attack." The golden fox breathed a ring of fire around the turtle.

"Squirtle, put out the fire with Water Gun!" Ash said, still looking smug. The water quickly doused the flame.

"Oh well. Guess I'll have to use some other attack," Lauren said nonchalantly. "Ninetails, Quick Attack." 

Before Ash could say anything, Lauren's Ninetails charged his Squirtle and pounced on it, hitting it rapidly with its paws and tails. Squirtle was soon down for the count.

"Oh no! Squirtle!"

"Where's your arrogance now, Ass?" Lauren asked mockingly. 

The battle continued, and somehow, in the midst of the battle, Jess and Brock ended up next to each other. Brock had a sudden flash of recognition.

"It's you!" he said, aghast. "I thought you said you weren't a member of Team Rocket!"

"Well, I'm certainly surprised you were able to recognize me, but yes, I am now an official member of the eminent Team Rocket," she stated, then a thought crossed her mind. "Does that mean you're not attracted to me, anymore?" She let the slightest trace of hope slip into her voice.

"Of course I am! Perhaps after this battle, you'll want to go out to dinner with me?"

Jess tried to let him down nicely. "Sorry. I, uh, have a prior arrangement. It's kind of hard to get some free time now that I've joined the _evil_ Team Rocket. I have lots of _evil_ things to do, and you don't strike me as the kind of guy who would go out with an _evil_ villain, which I am." 

"Oh, that's okay. I can accept you for what you are, even if you are a member of Team Rocket," Brock said, smiling.

Jess frowned. This was going to be harder than she thought. She decided to try a more personal approach. "I really don't think this would work out. You see, I only date people with _eyes_."

Brock was silent a moment. "I can work with that. I could just wear sunglasses, then it wouldn't matter if you could see my eyes or not!"

"Augh! You're incorrigible! Leave me alone!" Jess slapped him upside the head, then flinched in pain. She pulled her hand back and saw a line of red across her palm. "Ow! Dammit, I cut my hand on your hair!" she exclaimed, stunned.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash. Everyone stopped battling and turned to where the noise had originated. They saw Misty, now recovered from the Dragonite's attack, bashing Psyduck's head with a big rock.

"How cruel!" Lauren exclaimed. "Ekans, Wrap Misty!" Ekans slithered forward and bound Misty in its coils before she could hit Psyduck again.

"Hey! Pokemon only attack other pokemon in battles!" Misty shrieked, trying to squirm free.

"That's for your pokemon abuse," Lauren said.

"Oh yeah? Psyduck, Confusion Attack!"

"Uh-oh. I remember this attack," Jessie said uneasily.

"What happens?" Jess asked. Before Jessie could answer, Psyduck started emitting strange, concentric circles from its forehead.

"What are those? Psychic waves?" Lauren asked. She was answered by suddenly being stuck with a terrible dizziness. In fact, all of Team Rocket, including their pokemon, became disoriented and started falling to the ground.

"Oh, no! I'm not going to be beaten by Donald Duck!" Jess said with a determined expression on her face. She looked at the last pokemon standing: Dragonite. "Everyone grab on to something bolted down," she whispered to her friends, fighting the light-headed feeling that was making it hard to concentrate. She closed her eyes against Psyduck's Confusion Attack and said, "Dragonite, Slam Attack!"

Team Rocket gasped as Dragonite leapt into the air. It landed on the ground with shattering force. Ash, Brock, Misty, and all their pokemon were launched into the air, flying this way and that and eventually colliding with trees, rocks, the ground, and each other. Team Rocket managed to keep themselves and all their pokemon on the ground. They each stood up slowly, and surveyed the carnage Jess's Dragonite had caused.

"What a mess," Lauren said. Her pokemon ambled up to her and sat beside her, waiting for orders. The other pokemon went to their respective masters; even Ash's battered pokemon took up stance next to him.

"I can't believe it! We actually won!" Jessie said ecstatically, walking over to the fallen Pikachu. 

"Dumb duck," Jess muttered. "Gave me a fricken' headache." She reached into her pocket and pulled out her trusty Advil then swallowed two pills. "Charizard, be a good little pokemon and go get the special cage out of the car." Charizard obliged, even if he was upset that he didn't get to fight in the battle.

Out on the field, Brock stirred and looked around. "Uh, Ash, I hate to say this, but I think we should retreat!" he said, already recalling his pokemon.

Ash slowly sat up. "I agree," he said and quickly recalled his own injured pokemon. Only Pikachu and Pidgeotto remained free.

"Let's make a run for it!" Misty shouted, pulling her pokemon back as well. They all started to flee.

"Don't let them get away!" Jess shouted.

"Weezing, Smoke Screen!" James instructed. The poison pokemon covered the whole area with a noxious vapor. Ash and Company started to cough.

"Pidgeotto," Ash managed to gasp, "blow the smoke away!"

"Not this time, Ash!" Jess said. "Aerodactyl, Take Down Attack!" The leather-winged flyer appeared above the haze and bashed the feathered flyer to the ground before any smoke could be cleared.

Suddenly, a small, child-like voice called out, "PIKA!!!"

"No! Pikachu!" Ash cried realizing the first pokemon he ever got was being stolen. He could hear four laughing voices cheering and becoming more and more distant. At first, he couldn't figure out what they were saying, but then it all came together when he heard the last sentence.

"Team Rocket is blasting off again!"

****

"I can't believe it! We finally got Pikachu!" Jessie exclaimed.

"Pikachu," the captive pokemon said mournfully from its metal cage. 

"Are you sure that cage can hold Pikachu?" James asked Jess. "It's not even rubber. Pikachu could easily zap us."

Jess smiled and glanced back at the cage being held by her Charizard. It was taking up most of the room in the back of the car and weighing the vehicle down, but it was the only pokemon they had that could keep Pikachu under control. Jess smirked at the thought of Pikachu trying to act up.

"Jess?" Lauren asked. 

She started. "Huh? Oh sorry. I was lost in thought. What was the question?"

"James wants to know how that cage can hold Pikachu."

"Oh. Well, there's nothing special about the cage itself. That's why I kept Charizard out. You see, metal conducts heat very well, so if Pikachu even thinks of zapping us, Char has orders to put his flaming tail under the cage. The entire cage will heat up and Pikachu will think twice before it tries anything again. See? Science is fun when you know the secret!" Jess grinned. It was nice to know that _some_ laws of science still worked in this world.

"Rubber probably would have been better," Lauren said. "At least we wouldn't have that big dragon slowing us down."

"I like my idea more," Jess said. "Besides, Pikachu would eventually chew through a rubber enclosure. Remember? He chewed through that rubber net in that one episode where there was a whole bunch of Pikachu? Remember?"

"_Yes_," Lauren said with a frown. A few minutes ago, Jess was homicidal, but now she sounded giddy. Lauren was starting to worry her friend's sanity level was even lower than it normally was. "Are you okay?"

"Actually, no. Look." Jess held up her left hand, displaying a bleeding gash across her hand. "I cut my hand on stupid Brock's hair and it won't heal. I think whatever hair gel he uses is keeping it open."

"That's gross, Jess. Get a Band-Aid."

"I should. It's been dripping down the steering wheel and now it's all slippery."

"Eewww." 

"Thanks for your support, but we have more important things to worry about right now. How much money do you guys want?" Jess asked Jessie and James. "I have no idea what to ask for. You've worked for that guy the longest, so how much money does he have?"

"More than he needs. We could ask for any amount, and he would pay!" Jessie said, her mind wandering to what she would do with her share.

"Lauren, what's your favorite number?" Jess asked suddenly.

"Uh, sixteen," she said.

"Alright, we're gonna ask for sixteen million. Four million each sound good enough?"

"Yes!" all three said in unison.

"You could buy a working TV, Lauren," Jess smirked.

"Don't even start with me."

Jess grinned, but didn't dwell on the subject. 

They reached the lighthouse after a long drive and several stops at fast food restaurants. Jessie, James, Jess, Lauren, and Charizard carrying Pikachu entered the building and prepared to make their demands to their shadowy boss.

"Okay, Charizard, stand here and hold Pikachu up. We want him to be able to see the goods," Jess instructed. She stared at the panel of buttons in front of her, wondering which she should push to contact their boss. She saw a large red button in the middle of the panel and thought, _It's always the red button in the movies_. She reached out and pressed it. The screen flashed on, but instead of showing a shadowy, angry man it revealed a television program showing a familiar-looking place. There were houses, people, and (most important of all) real animals, not pokemon.

"Jess! It's Earth!" Lauren exclaimed.

"How ironic," Jess said. "We watch them at home and they watch us here."

"Quick, let's just go home! Do whatever you did at my house!"

"But I want to ransom Pikachu!"

"Uh, excuse me," James broke in, "but what are you talking about?"

Jess sighed. "It's a long story. You see, I was at Lauren's house and we were watching a show about your world and I smacked the TV and we came here and I guess now we have the opportunity to go back."

"That wasn't a long story," James said.

"Well, it was the condensed version."

"Jess," Lauren pressed, "forget Pikachu and let's just go home."

"Hmph. And I was having fun here, too. We were about to get a lot of money and think of all the adventures we could have being part of the nefarious Team Rocket…"

"Don't even think about staying," Lauren warned.

"I bet, with a little time, I could work my way up the corporate ladder and become the president of Team Rocket, or whatever they call their leader…"

"JESSICA!" 

"Okay! Okay! Let me just say goodbye." She turned to the original Team Rocket, "Jessie, James, it's been really, uh, different working with you guys. I'll miss both of you, at least a little bit. Here," she handed them her pokeballs, "I want you guys to have these."

Jessie and James looked like they were about to cry. 

"That's so sweet!" Jessie said.

"I can't believe you have to leave!" James said.

"Apparently," Jess said darkly, glaring at Lauren.

"Okay, great. Time to go, Jess," Lauren said impatiently. 

"Fine. I'll work with the TV while you say goodbye," Jess said to Lauren. Then, she jumped up onto the control panel more spryly than one might expect. 

Lauren looked at Jessie and James. "Goodbye, you two. Uh, I hope you can get along without Meowth. Oh, you can have my pokemon, too. I won't be using them where I'm going." She gave them her pokeballs and they finally broke down and cried. Lauren gave them a disgusted look and turned to Jess. She was just standing on the control panel looking at the monitor. "What's wrong?"

"It's embedded in the wall. I can't smack the side like I did to your TV."

"What?! Well, hurry up and figure something out!"

Jess ran through some TV abuse options in her head until she finally settled on one. She shrugged and said, "Here goes nothing." She raised her foot and smashed it through the monitor. The TV started to fizzle and spark. "I did it! Quick, Lauren, get up here! Goodbye, Jessie and James! Remember to ransom Pikachu for us!"

Just as the strange light from the TV started to pull Lauren and Jess back to reality, they heard Jessie say, "We can't! You destroyed our monitor!"

****

Lauren woke up groggily. She found herself lying on a couch that looked familiar. After a quick look around, she realized she was in her basement. She had made it home! Then, she remembered Jess and saw her lying on her stomach on the floor, unconscious. Lauren grinned and saw her chance.

"Jess? Hey, Jess! Get up!" 

She kicked Jess roughly in the side.

"Ow! That hurt!"

"Get up."

Jess rolled over and sat up slowly, holding her head. "I guess I had that coming. Where are we?"

"We're back in my basement."

"Kicking the TV worked? I didn't think it would. Hey!" Jess said suddenly, looking at her left palm. "I'm healed! Look!" She held her hand up. There was no mark anywhere on it.

"But, that wound was practically festering when we were in Pokemon World. It couldn't just have disappeared like that."

"It's like—It's like it never happened," Jess said with awe.

"Was it a dream?" Lauren asked.

Jess snorted. "You sound like someone from a Disney movie. Oooh, have I got a headache!" She reached into her pocket and pulled out her Advil and a small, scintillating object. They both looked at it, shocked. It was a teardrop-shaped pin that shimmered with all the colors of the rainbow.

"This really is like a Disney movie ending," Lauren said.

"More like Demented Disney," Jess said. Then, she grinned and jumped up quickly, causing Lauren to stumble backwards. "This is the proof that we really did travel through the TV into the alternate dimension of the Pokemon World!" Then, in her own little psychotic manner, she spun on the ball of her foot and shouted, "MMMMM… Soul Badge!"

"You already did that," Lauren said flatly.

"Oh. Well, I guess that about wraps things up, then."

"Actually, there's still one thing bothering me."

"And that is?"

"How _did_ you get those pokemon for us?"

Jess's face lit up at the prospect of finally telling her story. "Well, the first night when I left to find some pokemon, I—"

"Jess!" a different voice interrupted. A person came walking down the basement stairs.

Jess looked at the figure. "No! Not yet! I've just got one more story to tell!"

"No," the person said. "It's time to go now."

"Oh, come on, Kate! Have a heart!" Jess said to her sister.

"Mom and Dad got your message and are here to pick you up. They don't want to wait," Kate said.

"Okay," Jess said dismally. "Bye, Lauren." She and Kate walked up the stairs and Lauren heard two cars pull away from the house.

She watched the stairs a little longer, then shrugged. "Oh, well. I guess I don't really care what happened." Lauren reclined on the couch and flipped the TV on. She was pleasantly surprised that one of her favorite shows, Sailor Moon, was on. She watched for a little while, then thought of something. 

__

Hmm… I wonder. Lauren walked up to the television set, looked around to make sure no one was watching, then smacked the side of the box. The TV immediately began to spark and fizzle.

"Now _this_ is going to be cool!"

End!

Final word: Okay, I hope that was decent! Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it (despite all the craziness) and are going to leave a review (don't make me beg!). And yes, it is completely legal to own and operate a tank. The hard part is just getting one.


End file.
